I awake frequently with a sense of uneasiness quickly followed with a feeling of security and familiarity. I am still getting accustomed to this new place, room, town, way of living. Not that its all that different to my old residence or way of doing things, it is just that I am seemingly more alone than ever living so far from my friends. I feel as though it has become a burden to see me, but I know this notion to be false. I do hope I am worth the effort and time, it would greatly help my mood when I am feeling down. I think so negatively come lately. High School has done this to me, and I am thankful that it is done with. I really don't think anyone has ever known the horrors, per se, that I have experienced during those long four years. I try not to dwell on it, but at times, like now, I find my mind wandering back to those dark times. I was depressed and lost in a sea of sickening conformity. I didn't know how to get out, so I acted out, tried to stand out. Like all other attempts I got laughed at and made fun of, even tortured. Through these excessive trial and errors I began to find myself, and I now cherish who I am, and know that I don't have to be the girl in this months fashion magazine to be liked. I don't try hard anymore to stand out, I do a good enough job now that I have found who I should be. My mind seems to jump around and loop back into itself at times, and I wind up losing all train of thought. Disheartening to say the least. I am ever so eager to be starting classes in a few weeks. I think it will help strengthen my writing skill, which has seemed to deteriorate over the last few years. I rarely ever resort to writing these days, I never want to just sit and write. I think that now, since I have purchased a laptop, I will be able to use it in order to document my thoughts once again. Wish me luck! So far my reasoning for writing tonight was to tucker me out in hopes of falling back asleep. I have failed.
I've noticed to have a well written "stream", as I like to call them, I need stimulating music, nothing overly distracting. The music has to have a soft or hard harmonious tone, almost blending together becoming one overall sound for the backgrounds of my thoughts. I find that this method helps greatly, that and complete silence. This is all according to my mood. Since I sleep in silence, I feel as though my mind needs to be awake like my body is, and I must say it seems to be working, but nonetheless I should really try and go back to sleep, I am being to feel unhealthy again due to my lack of sleep. Reverting back into old habits just doesn't seem right anymore. Embrace the new, and make your own fresh path.
