Fuck, really?

Why am I up? Why am I always up at the god awful hour. I guess my body really only needs 7 hours of sleep when I really want 9. Won't let me have 9, but why? I am beginning to get really angry at this. For years now I would wake up feeling completely replenished, when I was knowingly exhausted. I would function like this for weeks, and then it would hit me - like a ton of bricks. The fatigue would pour in and I would be tired for weeks. Then the cycle continued. Shit, I hate this so much. I am so hungry, but too cold and lazy to get out of bed and walk myself through my dark house to quietly make something to eat. Cold food is out of the picture right now. I turned off the heat when I first got up, so now my house is an icebox. Smart decision on my part. I was hoping that expelling my energy on thought would help, but this is only making matters worse. I am opening up my brain to more thought, and now I will just remain up. Perhaps I should just start early on the cleaning so I can leave at 11, instead of getting up at 9 like I hoped and working until 11 and leaving at 12. Hmmmm, knowing me, I won't get up because I lack pants and don't want to be cold. I will eventually get tired, curl up into a ball and go back to sleep for 3 more hours. If this happens I know I am going to be way too tired from over sleep to get out of bed and do shit. Why? It is actually funny. Me sitting up, haggard as all hell, rationalizing my thoughts to the public. Well, I would say the very selected small public, but still. I have been meaning to write out daily thoughts, but I have so many writing projects I never know where I should log my thoughts. I have many little notebooks I carry with me, and those are easier to use, but I really like typing out my thoughts better. My mind cannot get ahead of my hand this way. I am fast with the keys and a slow writer- when I want it to be legible.

My mouth tastes of sleep, and my body aches. I don't have a migraine any more, and that is good news. They seem to be coming more often now. I think it is because of all the weather change. The lovely Autumn weather we get out here in Sunny California. It is winter for Christ sakes. I want some fucking snow! Hmmmm, this is rubbish. Sorry!

Looking forward to the upcoming week. I have been planning most of it since I have been up. I wish I could be more creative at this time. I am just not used to being so wide awake at such an hour any more. Not since high-school. I was always up at 5:30 in high-school and when I was on break, I would simply wake up and be ready to do tasks at such a godly hour. Now that college has consumed my life, I have been up at the lovely hour of 10 am, but then I would only be up for 12 hours. My days were short, I was so tired, and still am. I am glad I am not working anymore. It takes so much out of me. I would have to give up so much just to work full time. I would hate that. That is why I am taking the easy way out, well for some people it would be insane, but to me is isn'. That is own my own bakery, all homemade goodies. Handcrafted by yours truly!! I am too excited about pursuing my dream!

I really should eat, or brush my teeth. One of the two. Dammit, choices choices.







Fuck, until next time.

Bibleots and baubles

A quick and sudden urge to write. Why can I never write at a normal time? It is always on the verge of what ever late hour my creativity decides to kick in. It never wants me to be productive during the day when I am sane. Sweet relief, school is nearly done. One more class on Friday and I don't have to worry about essays or assignments for a full two months. It is a wonderful thing. I am planning to write a little story/book thing over my break. Paul- the grandfather that never was, had convinced me to do so and since I have been in the creative mood lately I think I will tackle it. How hard could it possibly be. He has already helped me create a title and a story line. I am thoroughly excited for the feat. Nothing else is of great interest in my life right now. Happiness is still manifesting, and I am slowly learning to cultivate it into words. It is hard, but I am getting there. Eventually I will produce something wonderful, I have high expectations of this, but that is to come in the future.


I should get some shut eye.

C'est la vie

Such is life- all in good spirits.

Let's see here. Yet another creative explosion thanks to the musical stimulation of Beirut. Honestly if you have yet to listen to them you are doomed for hell in the distant future. I feel as though I am in dire need to expel some sort of emotion. It is all happiness, no confusion- simply pure excess. I feel myself again, 100% pure Felicia - no additives. I have yet to feel this way in years. I remember being so stoked on life, ready for anything to come my way. I faltered away from my true self for quiet sometime, but I am back and ready for action. The recent breakup with Matt has really changed my outlook on life, not to mention the new arrival of some one who flips my world inside out. I feel ambitious again, I have a "don't give a fuck" attitude once more, but to a certain extent. I am more than willing now to go off and pursue my goals in life. Nothing is holding me back and I could do cartwheels. Sighs of relief leave my chest from time to time, knowing that my deep rooted chains are broken. I am not afraid to hide anything. Why was I so scared before? I know! It is because he held me up on the pedestal of amazing glory. This outlook upon me wasn't who I truly am. It was holding me back. I released myself from this bind, and I have been told time and time again that I hold myself in a different light now. This light is blue and is full of wonder!


I am ready for this journey