For the love of God.

Let us start fresh, because that last rant was far to ridiculous for me to publish.

Well fuck, now I have nothing to write.

2010 has been a complete and udder clusterfuck of sickness inducing bullshit. I am still bouncing back, and I don't think things will be better until winter. That is such a long ways away, shiiiii-

I wish I could have last winter back. Everything was bliss then. I want that feeling back, I only get it in songs now. It is still a nice feeling but not as pure.

He stands there in front of me frustrated, cleaning frantically. He works with such caution, always gentle in all manners of life. When kissing me, holding me, working with anything. He has such a gentle touch, but his mind is troubled. I find this so beautiful though. Amazingly intriguing, I want to know him inside and out, but he won't let me. Not yet. I want to know now, but I can't and it hurts me a little. But I am madly in love with him so I will patiently wait. This is the first relationship I have ever been in that I has actually changed me. I am ever so grateful as well. I have gained patience, only a little, but still, I have gained it amongst other things. I just want to sit and stare at him and shower him in kisses and hugs. I feel as though I cannot be tamed when around him, my love that is. It just blooms and explodes when he looks at me or kisses my forehead. Sometimes I am a bitch, and I fuck up and then I feel terrible because I have hurt him. I wish I didn't screw up in the ways that I do, no matter how little. I just want to smack myself in the face when I say something stupid. Okay, stop with the negative. My head is hurting again, I should stop.




Good night.

Ranting.

I can't seem to shake this feeling. I have been so irritated lately. I snap at Mike I am cranky and short tempered with others. I basically got called a zombie today. I have been walking around mindlessly, no hope in my heart, nothing. It is making me sick. The bags under my eyes are horrendous. I thought that they were due to my mascara. I was wrong, I look severly ill. Throughout this who year so far I have seemingly sacrificed everything. I fucked up royally in school, yet again. I might be put on academic probation. College just isn't for me. Sorry to say it, but it isn't. I don't want to write 12 page essays on bullshit that really isn't going to benefit me, since it happens to be general ed. Fuck that. I can't sleep comfortably knowing how much I have screwed up my life. I am sitting here trying to analyze what I could possibly do in order to get it all back running smoothly again. It is going to take so much time and effort, and I have no clue how I am going to manage. I don't think I should be taking Japanese this summer, I really think I should work instead and make as much money and I possible can. I want to sleep in my own bed so badly. My mind is hazy so I am probably jumping around. I have lost my train of thought completely.