Hopelessly helpless.

What do I do in a situation like this. So close yet so far. All I want to do is help, but why the wall again? Who put it there, and what the hell do I need to do to break it down. Little flecks of you shine through from the core, but who is this wearing your skin? Drink your tea, do you want to rest your head on my chest, can I get you anything? I keep asking the same questions, I don't want to fall into routine. I am sorry, what am I doing? Just let me help you, let me be there for you. You need it, it is all over your face and I can feel it in my cage of rattling bones. You shake me to the core, I can't fight it I am sorry. It is hard to not say those words "I'm sorry", I say them because I mean them. I am sorry for making you upset when I am sick, I am sorry that you have such a burden to bare, I am sorry that you are never free from stress. Just, please- dammit, tell me what I can do to help. You say nothing, tell me you are okay. Get used to it already, I am here- no matter what. Forever, or how ever long forever may be.

Tick Tock Goes The Clock.

I miss you with every stroke of the clock. The ominous clang of times humming through my head. Hours feel like days, days like years, and weeks of eternity pass my clustered mind. I long to see you again, you were just wrapped up in my arms not too long ago. Why does the body yearn for touch and warmth so much with so little time? I will forever sit in my darkness and wonder about us. Who gave this gift, and why is no one trying to take it away? It is a mystery and I accept the fact that I will never know. They say you have a limit, and that I am limitless- can we change this? Will our wishes come true, or have we wasted a breath that could have been expelled on one of our many trips we plan. Once again I accept.

Can I ever finish anything with out interruption.

From what depths.

Hello, Old friend. Long time no see. It has been awhile good friend. I have missed you. Pouring my soul into your chambers, only to be locked away forever. Do you know how much effort it takes for me to do this right now? I am straining to use my mind for good. I want to sit in the dark and wallow, but I can't. My team is cheering me on, rooting for me. I am going to be the star, I am going to shine for no one but myself. I need to be strong, but I am slipping and sliding on the idea. I always find my balance, eventually- I will stand tall soon enough, as soon as I get my head out of the muck.

I am outside in the cold now. I am alone at last, with he cold air circling around my face. The only option I have to stay warm is to type, type fast and with haste. I feel it, this cold. It hits my chest first even though I am bundled to the throat in things that only remind me of you. My chest gets colder, I feel my body begin to shiver and shake with anticipation. How long until the cold ventures down my arms and to the tips on my fingers, numbing every stroke of the keys. I feel my face now, starting with the nose and slowing moving up towards my cheeks. Will my mind freeze when my hands cease to type? Or will the blood pump through and save me from this cold? We can only find out by trial. Error may never come and this will be the entire objective of this endeavor. Am I insane for sitting out here in the night, alone with nothing but the will to show you my heart through my words, or am I perfectly sane? I will never know, but I surely do not care anymore. You give me all sorts of will to go out and do the impossible. To cure you, myself and make life better for the both of us, forever. That is a word that is ever so hard for me to utter, or type even. FOREVER, what is the meaning? I think I know now, I think I have known for a while now, but it took so long for the meaning to actually fit the phrase. You are the key I lacked. A skeleton key like myself. Ever so gently fitting into everything we can to unlock what we please but never really have the right lock just for us. You are my lock and key, and I am glad I have found you. I will wear you around my neck, forever.

I think this is what people call progress. I am ever so fervently writing, to you, to no one and to myself. Why are we so alike. You are simply an extension of my own being, which is why I think you are not real. I don't even believe that I am real sometimes. I wake up in pain knowing I AM a physical being. It pains my soul knowing I must walk .............



Interrupted. I am sorry.

attempting, failing.

Let's see if I can get anything to flow out of my boggled head. I am ever so exhausted from today, my heart is heavy as usual, but I am still fluttering. I wish I could just drive my car all night to who knows where, blare my music and melt into the seat. All I have wanted to do lately is melt, melt away into nothingness, and watch from the inside. I am tired lately, I feel too much for too little of an outcome. I want to love effortlessly without any hesitation, and for some people it isn't like that. I want to melt, so badly. I want to mesh into something that isn't myself, someone else. Bubblegum!

This is shit, I am sorry.

Twenty more minutes of this, then I am going to go to bed.

My period key isn't working, unless I jam on it really hard.


Tom Waits, heal my soul.

heart goes blood flows, flows deep into my veins and pumps through my body through my arms and tingles the tips of my fingers it circles back rushes deep into my cheeks, floods my face with warmth. this warmth is what I crave, warmth is what I lack. living in a body that has a constant chill is unappealing.

FUCKKK, how can I do this when I am not angry or too upset. I just don't understand it, I tried and I am sorry for failing. :[