Fuck, really?

Why am I up? Why am I always up at the god awful hour. I guess my body really only needs 7 hours of sleep when I really want 9. Won't let me have 9, but why? I am beginning to get really angry at this. For years now I would wake up feeling completely replenished, when I was knowingly exhausted. I would function like this for weeks, and then it would hit me - like a ton of bricks. The fatigue would pour in and I would be tired for weeks. Then the cycle continued. Shit, I hate this so much. I am so hungry, but too cold and lazy to get out of bed and walk myself through my dark house to quietly make something to eat. Cold food is out of the picture right now. I turned off the heat when I first got up, so now my house is an icebox. Smart decision on my part. I was hoping that expelling my energy on thought would help, but this is only making matters worse. I am opening up my brain to more thought, and now I will just remain up. Perhaps I should just start early on the cleaning so I can leave at 11, instead of getting up at 9 like I hoped and working until 11 and leaving at 12. Hmmmm, knowing me, I won't get up because I lack pants and don't want to be cold. I will eventually get tired, curl up into a ball and go back to sleep for 3 more hours. If this happens I know I am going to be way too tired from over sleep to get out of bed and do shit. Why? It is actually funny. Me sitting up, haggard as all hell, rationalizing my thoughts to the public. Well, I would say the very selected small public, but still. I have been meaning to write out daily thoughts, but I have so many writing projects I never know where I should log my thoughts. I have many little notebooks I carry with me, and those are easier to use, but I really like typing out my thoughts better. My mind cannot get ahead of my hand this way. I am fast with the keys and a slow writer- when I want it to be legible.

My mouth tastes of sleep, and my body aches. I don't have a migraine any more, and that is good news. They seem to be coming more often now. I think it is because of all the weather change. The lovely Autumn weather we get out here in Sunny California. It is winter for Christ sakes. I want some fucking snow! Hmmmm, this is rubbish. Sorry!

Looking forward to the upcoming week. I have been planning most of it since I have been up. I wish I could be more creative at this time. I am just not used to being so wide awake at such an hour any more. Not since high-school. I was always up at 5:30 in high-school and when I was on break, I would simply wake up and be ready to do tasks at such a godly hour. Now that college has consumed my life, I have been up at the lovely hour of 10 am, but then I would only be up for 12 hours. My days were short, I was so tired, and still am. I am glad I am not working anymore. It takes so much out of me. I would have to give up so much just to work full time. I would hate that. That is why I am taking the easy way out, well for some people it would be insane, but to me is isn'. That is own my own bakery, all homemade goodies. Handcrafted by yours truly!! I am too excited about pursuing my dream!

I really should eat, or brush my teeth. One of the two. Dammit, choices choices.







Fuck, until next time.

Bibleots and baubles

A quick and sudden urge to write. Why can I never write at a normal time? It is always on the verge of what ever late hour my creativity decides to kick in. It never wants me to be productive during the day when I am sane. Sweet relief, school is nearly done. One more class on Friday and I don't have to worry about essays or assignments for a full two months. It is a wonderful thing. I am planning to write a little story/book thing over my break. Paul- the grandfather that never was, had convinced me to do so and since I have been in the creative mood lately I think I will tackle it. How hard could it possibly be. He has already helped me create a title and a story line. I am thoroughly excited for the feat. Nothing else is of great interest in my life right now. Happiness is still manifesting, and I am slowly learning to cultivate it into words. It is hard, but I am getting there. Eventually I will produce something wonderful, I have high expectations of this, but that is to come in the future.


I should get some shut eye.

C'est la vie

Such is life- all in good spirits.

Let's see here. Yet another creative explosion thanks to the musical stimulation of Beirut. Honestly if you have yet to listen to them you are doomed for hell in the distant future. I feel as though I am in dire need to expel some sort of emotion. It is all happiness, no confusion- simply pure excess. I feel myself again, 100% pure Felicia - no additives. I have yet to feel this way in years. I remember being so stoked on life, ready for anything to come my way. I faltered away from my true self for quiet sometime, but I am back and ready for action. The recent breakup with Matt has really changed my outlook on life, not to mention the new arrival of some one who flips my world inside out. I feel ambitious again, I have a "don't give a fuck" attitude once more, but to a certain extent. I am more than willing now to go off and pursue my goals in life. Nothing is holding me back and I could do cartwheels. Sighs of relief leave my chest from time to time, knowing that my deep rooted chains are broken. I am not afraid to hide anything. Why was I so scared before? I know! It is because he held me up on the pedestal of amazing glory. This outlook upon me wasn't who I truly am. It was holding me back. I released myself from this bind, and I have been told time and time again that I hold myself in a different light now. This light is blue and is full of wonder!


I am ready for this journey

All things go

That title has so relevance to anything, but it was relevant in my mind. I am up, what else is new. I actually have the urge to write. How splendid. I worked my first 8 hour shift at work today, and I am exhausted. Along with this exhaustion, I feel fatigued and very hungry. I am too lazy to get up and get something to eat though, so I will wind up getting low blood sugar and then I will HAVE to go get something to eat. I only ever torture myself in this way when I ache. By ache I mean that I have a migraine, my feet are going to fall off from standing for so long, and so on. I am coming to realize that this entry will be complete rubbish, so I think I will quit whilst I am ahead. Too many "i"s any way. FAIL.




Until another time, which will most likely be in the nearest future

Revelations

Up again, it's late and I don't seem to be tired. This is a routine, again. I dislike it greatly, although it does fuse creativity through me. This, is a good thing, and I like good things. I have been in a very contemplative state tonight, this is also a good thing. Yet it seems to trouble my conscious. I am happy going to college, I am experiencing something so new to me. It is a challenge, but my heart seems to want to be in two places at once. On one hand it wants to me to be expressing myself in what I seem to love most, cooking and the art that is food, and then there is the other half. This half is yearning for knowledge, knowledge that culinary can't seem to provide. This is pure knowledge. I crave every aspect of the college experience, and I have made it a goal in my heart to myself to go to college for as long as possible. Tonight I decided that I want both, but in which order to how I want them is what I seem to be struggling with. I am torn, I want it all. I feel silly for being so ambitious, because I know for a fact it is too much for me to chew, but god how badly I want it. My hands reek of hard labor from the kitchen, the onions I chopped, the garlic I minced, the tomatoes I peeled, soaked, and cooked. I put all my heart into my cooking and I always get the desired results. This en-turn makes me so happy, makes others happy, nourishes those I love. I can't seem to get enough of the self pleasing act. My hands used to be forever stained blue from writing constantly. I can't seem to find it in me to sit down and write. I release all my emotion through cooking, vigorously stirring harsh batters by hand to get the full effect, delicately sifting the finest of flour for the lightest of sweets. It goes both ways, I can let everything out through this art. It is such a different medium for me. I am growing to become what I have always wanted, but the funny thing is this, I don't know what I have become, I only know the feelings. This extreme reign of wholesomeness. I know it is because of the food. I know this because I could see it on my grandmothers face as a child while I watched her slave for hours making everything by hand for seven greedy stomachs to devour pure happiness. I feel so daft thinking about food this way, but it really is a passion. I wish to express it to its fullest extent, but I know I will have to give up ambitions to fulfill this desire, at least for the time being, but knowing me, I will change my mind and want to go off to Berkley and become a journalist. I KNOW!, I will combine both. All of my love and heart will do both ambitions justice. I can do both. I will do both. Whatever it takes, I am ready for it. To be whole I need both. Great thinking old gal. See, whilst expending my love for one passion I slowly realize what I need to do to be happy. Go to culinary school, go to college, get my degrees, open my bakery, write about it, become a food critic, there is so much to come from this now. I really feel silly not thinking of this before now, but it truly makes sense. I think I have just been so caught up in the midst of having friends who enjoy my company, and really haven't sat down to weight the options. Good for you! This playlist has done justice. Like I have stated before, the music I listen to really seems to fuel my writing. I feel so happy and relieved. There you go Andrew, how is that for happy?



I hope to start making this blog useful. I think it might help my insomnia.


good night world, this is but the first step.

It's been a long time now

Since my depression has gone away this has been my motto. I truly believed that I would remain in a slump far longer than I was. I am content with my life as of right now. I feel well rounded now that I have a job and I am in college. Junior college or not, I am still content. I just wish my counterpart felt the same. I love him so very much, and it is hard for him to cope with how he feels right now. The only way to explain it is the reciprocal of what I am now. I really wish I could convey myself better tonight, but I lack the words. I am burnt out, in a sense, but I think I am semi enjoying it. Well, blogspot, I am fairly sleepy. I have a big day ahead of me, so I think I'll go to bed. More updates for my own sake coming soon........I hope.

Let the seasons begin

I enjoyed today very much. I am getting the hang of my scheduling. I even got to see the bestie! That of course made my day way better. I have promised myself to make this a regular thing, I would like to get back into the swing of things. By this I mean getting myself used to documenting my thoughts like I used to, with depth and insight. With this I am usually able to recall what happened in a certain instance and change it for the future.........brain lapse. I really have nothing to say other than that I thought today was nice. Oh fuck it.

Midnight surrounds you

Restlessness is all that consumes me as of late. College is truly an experience, and to think I am not even in a UC yet. Yikes. I haven't been too keen on writing since my new scheduling has taken tolls on my life. My sleeping patterns are better, in a sense. I am actually tired in the night, but I am plagued with fatigue and low blood sugar throughout my day, which is no fun fair. I am enjoying my courses, but am lacking in math, which I shouldn't be. I guess I am getting used to managing m time and checking the due dates regularly. It is hard not having a teacher cram what is due down your throat everyday. I have to do it myself, and that is a task in of itself. I got a B on my first philosophy paper, I am still disappointed in my writing, but it will progress. After all I do want to be an English major. With my new college experience I can say I have gained many new friends, which makes me happy and sad all at the same time. Happy because it was a small change, which is what I have been looking for, although I would like something more grand. Sad, because I have get to spend enough quality time with my best friends which pushes me away from them. I am not one who is fond of playing catch up. I really don't enjoy playing cat and mouse when contacting my friends either. The friends I have gathered at school are more so the quick fix I needed and a few of them live not to far from where I am now. That is another factor that contributes to the sadness of not seeing my friends, they live a little to far away for daily or even bi-weekly visits. It is quite disheartening. I haven't much to write, and I apologize, but then again since there isn't really a directed audience I take it back. Oh!, the weather is finally nice, well for the time being it is. The weather here in California is weird. It fluctuates far to much to really know when you will get the desired season. I hold tight, because I know it will always come. This really isn't turning out the way I would have hoped, but doesn't it always? I am still going to post this nonsense, in hopes of coming upon it later in life and laughing at myself.



Be still my heart.

in the wee hours of the night...

I awake frequently with a sense of uneasiness quickly followed with a feeling of security and familiarity. I am still getting accustomed to this new place, room, town, way of living. Not that its all that different to my old residence or way of doing things, it is just that I am seemingly more alone than ever living so far from my friends. I feel as though it has become a burden to see me, but I know this notion to be false. I do hope I am worth the effort and time, it would greatly help my mood when I am feeling down. I think so negatively come lately. High School has done this to me, and I am thankful that it is done with. I really don't think anyone has ever known the horrors, per se, that I have experienced during those long four years. I try not to dwell on it, but at times, like now, I find my mind wandering back to those dark times. I was depressed and lost in a sea of sickening conformity. I didn't know how to get out, so I acted out, tried to stand out. Like all other attempts I got laughed at and made fun of, even tortured. Through these excessive trial and errors I began to find myself, and I now cherish who I am, and know that I don't have to be the girl in this months fashion magazine to be liked. I don't try hard anymore to stand out, I do a good enough job now that I have found who I should be. My mind seems to jump around and loop back into itself at times, and I wind up losing all train of thought. Disheartening to say the least. I am ever so eager to be starting classes in a few weeks. I think it will help strengthen my writing skill, which has seemed to deteriorate over the last few years. I rarely ever resort to writing these days, I never want to just sit and write. I think that now, since I have purchased a laptop, I will be able to use it in order to document my thoughts once again. Wish me luck! So far my reasoning for writing tonight was to tucker me out in hopes of falling back asleep. I have failed.

I've noticed to have a well written "stream", as I like to call them, I need stimulating music, nothing overly distracting. The music has to have a soft or hard harmonious tone, almost blending together becoming one overall sound for the backgrounds of my thoughts. I find that this method helps greatly, that and complete silence. This is all according to my mood. Since I sleep in silence, I feel as though my mind needs to be awake like my body is, and I must say it seems to be working, but nonetheless I should really try and go back to sleep, I am being to feel unhealthy again due to my lack of sleep. Reverting back into old habits just doesn't seem right anymore. Embrace the new, and make your own fresh path.