I don't know what these thoughts are. I can't seem to decipher them, they are in some code that I have never seen before. Is it because I am living with him? Is it because I moved into something too much for my heart to handle. Am I not ready for this? I feel ready, but perhaps that isn't what I am feeling. I just want to know what to say in order to let him know how I feel. My emotions show right to the surface and I cannot hide them, but I don't know how to explain what is to be read on my face. It makes me sick. My thoughts are turning over and over. I can't stop them, but nothing floats to the surface. Nothing, I am at a loss of words. I wish to let him know what is going on, but yet again I don't. I am afraid that it will be something horrible. Something I cannot erase. I have done nothing wrong, I am upset, but why? Is it because he doesn't want to go out with me tonight? Is it because he thinks ill of my friend. Yes, I was with her when my things got stolen, but No, I don't think it was her fault. I want to know why he isn't 100% with me. Perhaps that is it, I know what he will say. "I don't want to hurt you." "I have nothing else to say." Blah Blah, I don't believe it. I just don't and my heart won't let me.

He is upset, and I can see that. He is confused as well, but I don't think he knows why either. He thinks I am upset with him and I am not sure if I am entirely. I just don't fucking know. What is this feeling? Is it because I am locked away from everything? These last few months have been my theoretical hell. Heat included. I don't do anything, I haven't got the funds. I don't talk to anyone, because they never respond to my messages or calls. I feel alone in this house, so very very alone. I am confused and I question everything. There is some extreme growing that needs to be done. I think that is what it is. It has to be! I need to grow and to think, but how? That is what I need to answer next, how? Will this job help me grow? Will being out nearly everyday help me grow? Will this all give me time in order to think about what I really want. I need to stop living in my head and actually do what I say I will, because life isn't your dream in reality. Life is the bullshit in between the states of euphoria, which never last long.

I have lost my train of thought. It has left without me and I probably won't ever get it back.

I wonder if I will be able to write today. I am in a weird state so I am sure something shall break the surface- It always does when I seem to be feeling this way.


My fingers fumble around the keyboard like a clumsy girl who has had too much to drink. I wish I had too much to drink right now. I am sober, hot and sticky. These are all very unpleasant feelings to have. I want the cold weather back so much, but it has to be summer, the only things to look forward to in these desolate months is my birthday, and a few others. In the winter you can anticipate the rain or snow and the changes of the leaves. So much beauty in those months. Nothing changes in the summer, all you get is heat, and more heat. Yet again, something I don't fine pleasant, in the least bit.

What could I possibly write about?

My lack of money flow, my terrible spending habits along with my sleeping and eat habits. They are all atrocious. I wish I could snap my fingers and POOF I would have a job with money saved up and I would have my ferret and yummy food in the house. Unfortunately shit like that doesn't happen. Even in the movies there is some sort of repercussion and then the main character has to deal with some heavy shit. I don't want that, I already have enough shit to deal with.


Nothing to write really, I simply seem to be wasting time now. My mind is completely out of practice, all I want to do is sleep, smoke, drink and eat. Nothing more, nothing less. I know once I have that fucking job it will get my ass into gear, but until then I am stuck. I hate being stuck, is isn't fun. I don't know how Mike deals with this. He keeps such a straight face, I know he is struggling, but I can't keep it together like he does. I pout and sigh and wine about it all. Life is hard, I know this. I wish it wasn't, but it is and it sucks. This is all I want in life right now:

A job with Urban Outfitters
Money in the bank
An apartment or loft
Food in my fridge
Gas in my car
A white ferret name Unagi
More tattoos/clothes

That is it, that is all I want and I KNOW I will be happy. Simple simple, but getting a job is the hardest part. I know once I am working for something I will be able to sleep at night, save my money and persevere and get the shit I want/need. Time isn't on my side right now either, it seems to wither so fast. Especially these past few months. Time is a sneaky bitch too, it takes my money and my hopes when it passes. Sly sneaky unforgiving bitch! - Time that is


I suppose I am done, for now.