I don't know what these thoughts are. I can't seem to decipher them, they are in some code that I have never seen before. Is it because I am living with him? Is it because I moved into something too much for my heart to handle. Am I not ready for this? I feel ready, but perhaps that isn't what I am feeling. I just want to know what to say in order to let him know how I feel. My emotions show right to the surface and I cannot hide them, but I don't know how to explain what is to be read on my face. It makes me sick. My thoughts are turning over and over. I can't stop them, but nothing floats to the surface. Nothing, I am at a loss of words. I wish to let him know what is going on, but yet again I don't. I am afraid that it will be something horrible. Something I cannot erase. I have done nothing wrong, I am upset, but why? Is it because he doesn't want to go out with me tonight? Is it because he thinks ill of my friend. Yes, I was with her when my things got stolen, but No, I don't think it was her fault. I want to know why he isn't 100% with me. Perhaps that is it, I know what he will say. "I don't want to hurt you." "I have nothing else to say." Blah Blah, I don't believe it. I just don't and my heart won't let me.

He is upset, and I can see that. He is confused as well, but I don't think he knows why either. He thinks I am upset with him and I am not sure if I am entirely. I just don't fucking know. What is this feeling? Is it because I am locked away from everything? These last few months have been my theoretical hell. Heat included. I don't do anything, I haven't got the funds. I don't talk to anyone, because they never respond to my messages or calls. I feel alone in this house, so very very alone. I am confused and I question everything. There is some extreme growing that needs to be done. I think that is what it is. It has to be! I need to grow and to think, but how? That is what I need to answer next, how? Will this job help me grow? Will being out nearly everyday help me grow? Will this all give me time in order to think about what I really want. I need to stop living in my head and actually do what I say I will, because life isn't your dream in reality. Life is the bullshit in between the states of euphoria, which never last long.

I have lost my train of thought. It has left without me and I probably won't ever get it back.