Monday, December 5, 2011
Hopelessly helpless.
What do I do in a situation like this. So close yet so far. All I want to do is help, but why the wall again? Who put it there, and what the hell do I need to do to break it down. Little flecks of you shine through from the core, but who is this wearing your skin? Drink your tea, do you want to rest your head on my chest, can I get you anything? I keep asking the same questions, I don't want to fall into routine. I am sorry, what am I doing? Just let me help you, let me be there for you. You need it, it is all over your face and I can feel it in my cage of rattling bones. You shake me to the core, I can't fight it I am sorry. It is hard to not say those words "I'm sorry", I say them because I mean them. I am sorry for making you upset when I am sick, I am sorry that you have such a burden to bare, I am sorry that you are never free from stress. Just, please- dammit, tell me what I can do to help. You say nothing, tell me you are okay. Get used to it already, I am here- no matter what. Forever, or how ever long forever may be.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Tick Tock Goes The Clock.
I miss you with every stroke of the clock. The ominous clang of times humming through my head. Hours feel like days, days like years, and weeks of eternity pass my clustered mind. I long to see you again, you were just wrapped up in my arms not too long ago. Why does the body yearn for touch and warmth so much with so little time? I will forever sit in my darkness and wonder about us. Who gave this gift, and why is no one trying to take it away? It is a mystery and I accept the fact that I will never know. They say you have a limit, and that I am limitless- can we change this? Will our wishes come true, or have we wasted a breath that could have been expelled on one of our many trips we plan. Once again I accept.
Can I ever finish anything with out interruption.
Can I ever finish anything with out interruption.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
From what depths.
Hello, Old friend. Long time no see. It has been awhile good friend. I have missed you. Pouring my soul into your chambers, only to be locked away forever. Do you know how much effort it takes for me to do this right now? I am straining to use my mind for good. I want to sit in the dark and wallow, but I can't. My team is cheering me on, rooting for me. I am going to be the star, I am going to shine for no one but myself. I need to be strong, but I am slipping and sliding on the idea. I always find my balance, eventually- I will stand tall soon enough, as soon as I get my head out of the muck.
I am outside in the cold now. I am alone at last, with he cold air circling around my face. The only option I have to stay warm is to type, type fast and with haste. I feel it, this cold. It hits my chest first even though I am bundled to the throat in things that only remind me of you. My chest gets colder, I feel my body begin to shiver and shake with anticipation. How long until the cold ventures down my arms and to the tips on my fingers, numbing every stroke of the keys. I feel my face now, starting with the nose and slowing moving up towards my cheeks. Will my mind freeze when my hands cease to type? Or will the blood pump through and save me from this cold? We can only find out by trial. Error may never come and this will be the entire objective of this endeavor. Am I insane for sitting out here in the night, alone with nothing but the will to show you my heart through my words, or am I perfectly sane? I will never know, but I surely do not care anymore. You give me all sorts of will to go out and do the impossible. To cure you, myself and make life better for the both of us, forever. That is a word that is ever so hard for me to utter, or type even. FOREVER, what is the meaning? I think I know now, I think I have known for a while now, but it took so long for the meaning to actually fit the phrase. You are the key I lacked. A skeleton key like myself. Ever so gently fitting into everything we can to unlock what we please but never really have the right lock just for us. You are my lock and key, and I am glad I have found you. I will wear you around my neck, forever.
I think this is what people call progress. I am ever so fervently writing, to you, to no one and to myself. Why are we so alike. You are simply an extension of my own being, which is why I think you are not real. I don't even believe that I am real sometimes. I wake up in pain knowing I AM a physical being. It pains my soul knowing I must walk .............
Interrupted. I am sorry.
I am outside in the cold now. I am alone at last, with he cold air circling around my face. The only option I have to stay warm is to type, type fast and with haste. I feel it, this cold. It hits my chest first even though I am bundled to the throat in things that only remind me of you. My chest gets colder, I feel my body begin to shiver and shake with anticipation. How long until the cold ventures down my arms and to the tips on my fingers, numbing every stroke of the keys. I feel my face now, starting with the nose and slowing moving up towards my cheeks. Will my mind freeze when my hands cease to type? Or will the blood pump through and save me from this cold? We can only find out by trial. Error may never come and this will be the entire objective of this endeavor. Am I insane for sitting out here in the night, alone with nothing but the will to show you my heart through my words, or am I perfectly sane? I will never know, but I surely do not care anymore. You give me all sorts of will to go out and do the impossible. To cure you, myself and make life better for the both of us, forever. That is a word that is ever so hard for me to utter, or type even. FOREVER, what is the meaning? I think I know now, I think I have known for a while now, but it took so long for the meaning to actually fit the phrase. You are the key I lacked. A skeleton key like myself. Ever so gently fitting into everything we can to unlock what we please but never really have the right lock just for us. You are my lock and key, and I am glad I have found you. I will wear you around my neck, forever.
I think this is what people call progress. I am ever so fervently writing, to you, to no one and to myself. Why are we so alike. You are simply an extension of my own being, which is why I think you are not real. I don't even believe that I am real sometimes. I wake up in pain knowing I AM a physical being. It pains my soul knowing I must walk .............
Interrupted. I am sorry.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
attempting, failing.
Let's see if I can get anything to flow out of my boggled head. I am ever so exhausted from today, my heart is heavy as usual, but I am still fluttering. I wish I could just drive my car all night to who knows where, blare my music and melt into the seat. All I have wanted to do lately is melt, melt away into nothingness, and watch from the inside. I am tired lately, I feel too much for too little of an outcome. I want to love effortlessly without any hesitation, and for some people it isn't like that. I want to melt, so badly. I want to mesh into something that isn't myself, someone else. Bubblegum!
This is shit, I am sorry.
Twenty more minutes of this, then I am going to go to bed.
My period key isn't working, unless I jam on it really hard.
Tom Waits, heal my soul.
heart goes blood flows, flows deep into my veins and pumps through my body through my arms and tingles the tips of my fingers it circles back rushes deep into my cheeks, floods my face with warmth. this warmth is what I crave, warmth is what I lack. living in a body that has a constant chill is unappealing.
FUCKKK, how can I do this when I am not angry or too upset. I just don't understand it, I tried and I am sorry for failing. :[
This is shit, I am sorry.
Twenty more minutes of this, then I am going to go to bed.
My period key isn't working, unless I jam on it really hard.
Tom Waits, heal my soul.
heart goes blood flows, flows deep into my veins and pumps through my body through my arms and tingles the tips of my fingers it circles back rushes deep into my cheeks, floods my face with warmth. this warmth is what I crave, warmth is what I lack. living in a body that has a constant chill is unappealing.
FUCKKK, how can I do this when I am not angry or too upset. I just don't understand it, I tried and I am sorry for failing. :[
Monday, September 20, 2010
Memories
Some time last march
As the dark clouds rapidly consume the once clear blue sky, I long for a place where I can stop and just write, but my surroundings don't permit me to do so. The bell rings and we must flee to our next class. Forever being told what to do by a bell, what tools we've become. It's almost as if we are mice in a maze searching only for our cheese.
Oh my, where have the days gone? As the flame flickers my writing pace advances. Brain pumping with all its might to keep up with the never ending winds. I wish to be a leaf, a leaf aged with season, plucked with the first winds of autumn, and then, burned. Don't fret for this shant be the end of me, I shall be dispersed into the open air, fragrant with life and wisdom. I’ll linger just long enough for you to recall your favorite memories, as you dwell on long forgotten times. I’ll be gone and lost forever. You’ll see me again soon, for I will be that first spring air to blow your hair out of place.
June 15, 2007
Rewinding my thoughts to a time when things were harsh and lachrymose. In a sense those days were good yet each waking moment I feared for my life a secret would be spoken of and my soul would be ripped from my clammy palms and smashed to the ground gilded and alone. Those days are over now, yet I still toil with forgotten love, lustful thought and a nebulous relationship with a boy I care greatly about. Pity is a word often connotated with this abrupt feeling of sadness. Not pity upon my own being, but pity for the loss of security and meaning. Why it is that such a friendship could dwindle from sight faster than it was obtained?
I am stuck within the pages of this wretched book, asking silly questions that could and maybe are crystalline to my perception. I probably choose not to read between the lines. To me life shouldn’t be about enigmas and conundrums. No one should live their life guessing. Don’t hide, just come out with it, because in actuality you must learn to face and overcome the hurtful truths of life. That’s just the way things should be.
I consider myself, at this present moment, a fortress of better understanding. I have it all in my head. I know the backgrounds of everything important right now, but am it useful?
November 25, 2007
The sun warms by body as the cold air whips at my face. There are so many people here, yet some how, I feel alone. Singled out.........
It is such a beautiful day. The weather is perfect and I haven’t seen the sky this blue in a long time. It makes me sad looking at something so wonderful, and uninhabited but may people and just knowing that the thing I am apart of, the human race, is slowly putting such beauty to an end. People don’t understand the severity of their actions. Slowly, but surely, we are burning our earth. My mother doesn’t believe that it will end in for, nor ice just a large: POOF: plain and simple. POOF! And we are all gone, painless. Wouldn’t that be a grand way to go? Personally I believe that our world/universe will simply implode thusly sucking itself into its existence or creating either a black hole or another big bang. This will most likely be large enough to recreate our universe, but then again it’s just a theory.
January 4, 2008
Bound to the mind.
My words are cut off from being heard. There is a cork in my soul and my opinions cannot be heard. My mind can’t even evaluate them, nor distinguish their true meaning. Am I better off confining my tongue to the bowels of my stomach, forever choking on the lost sentences? Or will I cough up that cork and disperse of this held back word vomit? The only way to truly rid me of this nonsense is to provoke my emotions, frustrate me, make me cry and then hand me a pen and my book. I will then unleash my fury upon it, fueled with emotion and angst teen bullshit.
Someday in February 3:12 a.m.
Here I am again, filled with nostalgia. I am cold, alone in my own little world listening to the rain. Too many people the rain seem to evoke a sense of gloom and sadness, but for me it’s the opposite. The rain fills me with joy and ease. It soothe my soul and comforts my heart, making it easy to think and even easier to write. I am a being who is filled with sensory emotion, from the nerves in my fingers to the tip of my tongue. It is easy to inflict me with sorrow or rejoice, but there's one and only one person who sends me straight into a spiral of sadness anger, happiness and regret every time we speak. I have no clue why I get this way, but it’s inevitable. I can’t control it and for some reason it taunts me..................TO BE CONTINUED
As the dark clouds rapidly consume the once clear blue sky, I long for a place where I can stop and just write, but my surroundings don't permit me to do so. The bell rings and we must flee to our next class. Forever being told what to do by a bell, what tools we've become. It's almost as if we are mice in a maze searching only for our cheese.
Oh my, where have the days gone? As the flame flickers my writing pace advances. Brain pumping with all its might to keep up with the never ending winds. I wish to be a leaf, a leaf aged with season, plucked with the first winds of autumn, and then, burned. Don't fret for this shant be the end of me, I shall be dispersed into the open air, fragrant with life and wisdom. I’ll linger just long enough for you to recall your favorite memories, as you dwell on long forgotten times. I’ll be gone and lost forever. You’ll see me again soon, for I will be that first spring air to blow your hair out of place.
June 15, 2007
Rewinding my thoughts to a time when things were harsh and lachrymose. In a sense those days were good yet each waking moment I feared for my life a secret would be spoken of and my soul would be ripped from my clammy palms and smashed to the ground gilded and alone. Those days are over now, yet I still toil with forgotten love, lustful thought and a nebulous relationship with a boy I care greatly about. Pity is a word often connotated with this abrupt feeling of sadness. Not pity upon my own being, but pity for the loss of security and meaning. Why it is that such a friendship could dwindle from sight faster than it was obtained?
I am stuck within the pages of this wretched book, asking silly questions that could and maybe are crystalline to my perception. I probably choose not to read between the lines. To me life shouldn’t be about enigmas and conundrums. No one should live their life guessing. Don’t hide, just come out with it, because in actuality you must learn to face and overcome the hurtful truths of life. That’s just the way things should be.
I consider myself, at this present moment, a fortress of better understanding. I have it all in my head. I know the backgrounds of everything important right now, but am it useful?
November 25, 2007
The sun warms by body as the cold air whips at my face. There are so many people here, yet some how, I feel alone. Singled out.........
It is such a beautiful day. The weather is perfect and I haven’t seen the sky this blue in a long time. It makes me sad looking at something so wonderful, and uninhabited but may people and just knowing that the thing I am apart of, the human race, is slowly putting such beauty to an end. People don’t understand the severity of their actions. Slowly, but surely, we are burning our earth. My mother doesn’t believe that it will end in for, nor ice just a large: POOF: plain and simple. POOF! And we are all gone, painless. Wouldn’t that be a grand way to go? Personally I believe that our world/universe will simply implode thusly sucking itself into its existence or creating either a black hole or another big bang. This will most likely be large enough to recreate our universe, but then again it’s just a theory.
January 4, 2008
Bound to the mind.
My words are cut off from being heard. There is a cork in my soul and my opinions cannot be heard. My mind can’t even evaluate them, nor distinguish their true meaning. Am I better off confining my tongue to the bowels of my stomach, forever choking on the lost sentences? Or will I cough up that cork and disperse of this held back word vomit? The only way to truly rid me of this nonsense is to provoke my emotions, frustrate me, make me cry and then hand me a pen and my book. I will then unleash my fury upon it, fueled with emotion and angst teen bullshit.
Someday in February 3:12 a.m.
Here I am again, filled with nostalgia. I am cold, alone in my own little world listening to the rain. Too many people the rain seem to evoke a sense of gloom and sadness, but for me it’s the opposite. The rain fills me with joy and ease. It soothe my soul and comforts my heart, making it easy to think and even easier to write. I am a being who is filled with sensory emotion, from the nerves in my fingers to the tip of my tongue. It is easy to inflict me with sorrow or rejoice, but there's one and only one person who sends me straight into a spiral of sadness anger, happiness and regret every time we speak. I have no clue why I get this way, but it’s inevitable. I can’t control it and for some reason it taunts me..................TO BE CONTINUED
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
I don't know what these thoughts are. I can't seem to decipher them, they are in some code that I have never seen before. Is it because I am living with him? Is it because I moved into something too much for my heart to handle. Am I not ready for this? I feel ready, but perhaps that isn't what I am feeling. I just want to know what to say in order to let him know how I feel. My emotions show right to the surface and I cannot hide them, but I don't know how to explain what is to be read on my face. It makes me sick. My thoughts are turning over and over. I can't stop them, but nothing floats to the surface. Nothing, I am at a loss of words. I wish to let him know what is going on, but yet again I don't. I am afraid that it will be something horrible. Something I cannot erase. I have done nothing wrong, I am upset, but why? Is it because he doesn't want to go out with me tonight? Is it because he thinks ill of my friend. Yes, I was with her when my things got stolen, but No, I don't think it was her fault. I want to know why he isn't 100% with me. Perhaps that is it, I know what he will say. "I don't want to hurt you." "I have nothing else to say." Blah Blah, I don't believe it. I just don't and my heart won't let me.
He is upset, and I can see that. He is confused as well, but I don't think he knows why either. He thinks I am upset with him and I am not sure if I am entirely. I just don't fucking know. What is this feeling? Is it because I am locked away from everything? These last few months have been my theoretical hell. Heat included. I don't do anything, I haven't got the funds. I don't talk to anyone, because they never respond to my messages or calls. I feel alone in this house, so very very alone. I am confused and I question everything. There is some extreme growing that needs to be done. I think that is what it is. It has to be! I need to grow and to think, but how? That is what I need to answer next, how? Will this job help me grow? Will being out nearly everyday help me grow? Will this all give me time in order to think about what I really want. I need to stop living in my head and actually do what I say I will, because life isn't your dream in reality. Life is the bullshit in between the states of euphoria, which never last long.
I have lost my train of thought. It has left without me and I probably won't ever get it back.
He is upset, and I can see that. He is confused as well, but I don't think he knows why either. He thinks I am upset with him and I am not sure if I am entirely. I just don't fucking know. What is this feeling? Is it because I am locked away from everything? These last few months have been my theoretical hell. Heat included. I don't do anything, I haven't got the funds. I don't talk to anyone, because they never respond to my messages or calls. I feel alone in this house, so very very alone. I am confused and I question everything. There is some extreme growing that needs to be done. I think that is what it is. It has to be! I need to grow and to think, but how? That is what I need to answer next, how? Will this job help me grow? Will being out nearly everyday help me grow? Will this all give me time in order to think about what I really want. I need to stop living in my head and actually do what I say I will, because life isn't your dream in reality. Life is the bullshit in between the states of euphoria, which never last long.
I have lost my train of thought. It has left without me and I probably won't ever get it back.
Friday, July 9, 2010
I wonder if I will be able to write today. I am in a weird state so I am sure something shall break the surface- It always does when I seem to be feeling this way.
My fingers fumble around the keyboard like a clumsy girl who has had too much to drink. I wish I had too much to drink right now. I am sober, hot and sticky. These are all very unpleasant feelings to have. I want the cold weather back so much, but it has to be summer, the only things to look forward to in these desolate months is my birthday, and a few others. In the winter you can anticipate the rain or snow and the changes of the leaves. So much beauty in those months. Nothing changes in the summer, all you get is heat, and more heat. Yet again, something I don't fine pleasant, in the least bit.
What could I possibly write about?
My lack of money flow, my terrible spending habits along with my sleeping and eat habits. They are all atrocious. I wish I could snap my fingers and POOF I would have a job with money saved up and I would have my ferret and yummy food in the house. Unfortunately shit like that doesn't happen. Even in the movies there is some sort of repercussion and then the main character has to deal with some heavy shit. I don't want that, I already have enough shit to deal with.
Nothing to write really, I simply seem to be wasting time now. My mind is completely out of practice, all I want to do is sleep, smoke, drink and eat. Nothing more, nothing less. I know once I have that fucking job it will get my ass into gear, but until then I am stuck. I hate being stuck, is isn't fun. I don't know how Mike deals with this. He keeps such a straight face, I know he is struggling, but I can't keep it together like he does. I pout and sigh and wine about it all. Life is hard, I know this. I wish it wasn't, but it is and it sucks. This is all I want in life right now:
A job with Urban Outfitters
Money in the bank
An apartment or loft
Food in my fridge
Gas in my car
A white ferret name Unagi
More tattoos/clothes
That is it, that is all I want and I KNOW I will be happy. Simple simple, but getting a job is the hardest part. I know once I am working for something I will be able to sleep at night, save my money and persevere and get the shit I want/need. Time isn't on my side right now either, it seems to wither so fast. Especially these past few months. Time is a sneaky bitch too, it takes my money and my hopes when it passes. Sly sneaky unforgiving bitch! - Time that is
I suppose I am done, for now.
My fingers fumble around the keyboard like a clumsy girl who has had too much to drink. I wish I had too much to drink right now. I am sober, hot and sticky. These are all very unpleasant feelings to have. I want the cold weather back so much, but it has to be summer, the only things to look forward to in these desolate months is my birthday, and a few others. In the winter you can anticipate the rain or snow and the changes of the leaves. So much beauty in those months. Nothing changes in the summer, all you get is heat, and more heat. Yet again, something I don't fine pleasant, in the least bit.
What could I possibly write about?
My lack of money flow, my terrible spending habits along with my sleeping and eat habits. They are all atrocious. I wish I could snap my fingers and POOF I would have a job with money saved up and I would have my ferret and yummy food in the house. Unfortunately shit like that doesn't happen. Even in the movies there is some sort of repercussion and then the main character has to deal with some heavy shit. I don't want that, I already have enough shit to deal with.
Nothing to write really, I simply seem to be wasting time now. My mind is completely out of practice, all I want to do is sleep, smoke, drink and eat. Nothing more, nothing less. I know once I have that fucking job it will get my ass into gear, but until then I am stuck. I hate being stuck, is isn't fun. I don't know how Mike deals with this. He keeps such a straight face, I know he is struggling, but I can't keep it together like he does. I pout and sigh and wine about it all. Life is hard, I know this. I wish it wasn't, but it is and it sucks. This is all I want in life right now:
A job with Urban Outfitters
Money in the bank
An apartment or loft
Food in my fridge
Gas in my car
A white ferret name Unagi
More tattoos/clothes
That is it, that is all I want and I KNOW I will be happy. Simple simple, but getting a job is the hardest part. I know once I am working for something I will be able to sleep at night, save my money and persevere and get the shit I want/need. Time isn't on my side right now either, it seems to wither so fast. Especially these past few months. Time is a sneaky bitch too, it takes my money and my hopes when it passes. Sly sneaky unforgiving bitch! - Time that is
I suppose I am done, for now.
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