Cloud cloud, Rain rain

I am up surprisingly early, feeling a strong sense of nostalgia. I know this shall pass soon, but with this rain and the darkness of my room, I can't help but to be wrapped up in it- it is making me so very very sad. I shouldn't have spent that much time with Matt. I just need his company again, but I don't know how to go about letting myself do that. I am not the person he knows anymore. At least I don't feel that way anymore. I have to lie so much, still. It tears me apart. The list rolls on and it has been this way with him forever. I guess there are somethings that he doesn't need to know. They are mine for the keeping and that is that.

Other than the feeling of nostalgia, I am somewhat at peace. This rain is lovely. I really wish my certain someone was here to snuggle with me and keep my body from aching the way it does. I hope my plans will fall through this Friday and I will be able to see Mike. It would really lighten my overall mood.


This post is weak, and I really have nothing else to enter here. Perhaps I will write later on in the day. Sleep is calling at me again, I don't think 5 hours constitutes as a good nights sleep.


Until next time.

Death

I could just die.






the end

You are the blood.

The medication seems to be settling in on my system- this is good. I should be getting tired soon, which is also good. It is very unfortunate that I got sick right when we got into the hotel. I am here for four days and I am sick, what are the odds? I really have nothing to do either, besides watch my little cousin, and entertain him. This is an easy task. I really don't have a purpose of writing, and my title is completely irrelevant. Regardless, I am still writing, which is something that I promised myself that I would do more of.



So here I am, in this lobby- alone. My mind keeps wandering off as I look at all the other people here around me. Everyone has a Ph.D or some sort of degree, and can afford this place. I am sitting here in my dingy clothes hogging the free WiFi. Heartless bastards! It is okay, I am here for a reason, so that gives my presence purpose. I am all for purpose. I am writing for the sake of writing, ugh.



I miss you, I miss you, I miss you!
I cannot listen to most of the songs I enjoy without missing you. This is out of control! I don't care though. I am head over heels, smitten, amorous, and everything in between.


I think this is all, Signing Off!

And here I sit

It is nearly twelve, and I have been up for some time now. I feel so lost. I have no one to tend to, no one to cook for, no one to work for and nothing new to learn. I feel empty with out all of this, and I know it will lead to depression if I don't get out and do something fast. Most everyone I know is either at school or work, or simply sleeping because they have no life. Regardless, I am alone today. I don't want to be alone today. I hate having this fucking complex. I hate being alone, and it eats away at me until I sleep it off. Not to mention I am completely irked at the fact that my mother wants me to go to Georgia for school in the fall and not even give Seattle a running chance. I couldn't sleep last night with this thought buzzing around my head. I just huffed at his scent and tried my best to drift into a deep sleep. I did, eventually, but it wasn't good enough for me. I am turning into a selfish wreck again. I only want to do things for myself. I want to go and move away for myself and my dreams, not for my mothers security. I know if I don't want to go to Georgia my mother will guilt me into going and I know I won't be happy, even if I am doing what I love. I don't see myself nor my bakery residing in Atlanta. I know, there is history and splendor of all sorts. I can visit, I don't know if I want to live there. Yes, it has Felicia written all over it, but Seattle might as well. I won't know for sure until I visit both. I know this visit will be coming soon. I don't want to go, I don't want to fall in love with it. I want to fall for Seattle so I can have Mike there with me. I don't think he would move so far from his home bases. I know I wouldn't. Funny as that is, I moved away from my home bases, and want to move even further away. I am backwards on that point, but oh well. It is what I want, and my heart is set on it. It is going to take a lot of convincing to get me to change my mind. If Mike said he would go with me, I would be all for it. I just know that my mother is going to appose my moving in with him no matter where we go, at all costs even. I don't think she understands, and I know she does, but let's say she won't let herself understand. I am too young, I have a bright future, blah blah blah. Ugh, today is shit, and I feel like a hot pile of today. I am bitching, I know. I should stop, but I need to let it all out.


All I want is hot cocoa and some warm company.

Not now, not tonight.

Yet again, up at an ungodly hour. I cannot seem to get back to sleep. The vicodin I was given is now wearing off. I can feel the terrible pain in my neck begin to resurface. It is hot on my skin, I can feel my muscle throbbing. These past few nights I have been sleeping with ease, and tonight- something ails me. I have so much surging through my mind at this hour, and it will not cease and let me sleep. I really don't know how to explain the emotion, but it isn't pleasant. I mean don't get me wrong I couldn't be happier having such an amazing person by my side, but in the last 24 hours, I have been afflicted with so much animosity that my mind is going crazy. Why would one person act in such a way? I was everything and then some, and I get treated so badly. This applies to more than one situation. It irks me so much sometimes, to think that people can actually live like that. To what extent does one get off being a complete and utter prick, towards everything? Wow, now that I think about that a little more, it truly does apply in both instances. I am talking about two different people, and two different scenarios, but- both are applicable. It is lovely, in a sense, how things work that way. Regardless of the douche-baggery, I am chipper at heart. I wish I was able to expel my anger, but something is telling me not to, not now.

I am promising myself this year that I am going to write- under all circumstances. I will write, no matter what. I know I need to oil up my gears and get cracking. It is something I enjoy greatly, but criticize far to much. I need to stop this, and just write. Write on every surface I have, come up with more one liners. If I can't create the painting, I will at least be its first spark. I am just so fucking inspired lately, and I can't be letting all of it go to waste. So, Felicia. no matter what! You must write. Let it all out- no matter how much you don't like it. There is bound to be one person who will enjoy your thought process. I know this to be true, and I am most certain this person is soundly asleep next to me.

This entry is long, but what to you expect from me at such an hour. I am tired, and my body aches with every stroke of the keys, but I am fueled- by what, I really don't know. The anger has slipped my mind, and is only to come back when I even mention the fact that I was angry, or upset. I am sure it will resurface, it always does- that, on the other hand is for a later date. I believe the winds are fueling my writing frenzy this morning. Everything depends on the weather for me, at least I like to think so. Then again, I am weird, and think the oddest things have significance. Fuck, perhaps they do! Anyhow, tick tock tick tock. Mind is wandering and not picking anything up to bring back to me. Where do I go? I could go way out of left field, but I think it would be too much. Not now, not tonight. Yet again, my mind rings out telling me not to so silly things. That voice- so tiny, yet so bold.




Bahhhh, shit. I think I am done. I still feel like there is something to say though.