It is nearly twelve, and I have been up for some time now. I feel so lost. I have no one to tend to, no one to cook for, no one to work for and nothing new to learn. I feel empty with out all of this, and I know it will lead to depression if I don't get out and do something fast. Most everyone I know is either at school or work, or simply sleeping because they have no life. Regardless, I am alone today. I don't want to be alone today. I hate having this fucking complex. I hate being alone, and it eats away at me until I sleep it off. Not to mention I am completely irked at the fact that my mother wants me to go to Georgia for school in the fall and not even give Seattle a running chance. I couldn't sleep last night with this thought buzzing around my head. I just huffed at his scent and tried my best to drift into a deep sleep. I did, eventually, but it wasn't good enough for me. I am turning into a selfish wreck again. I only want to do things for myself. I want to go and move away for myself and my dreams, not for my mothers security. I know if I don't want to go to Georgia my mother will guilt me into going and I know I won't be happy, even if I am doing what I love. I don't see myself nor my bakery residing in Atlanta. I know, there is history and splendor of all sorts. I can visit, I don't know if I want to live there. Yes, it has Felicia written all over it, but Seattle might as well. I won't know for sure until I visit both. I know this visit will be coming soon. I don't want to go, I don't want to fall in love with it. I want to fall for Seattle so I can have Mike there with me. I don't think he would move so far from his home bases. I know I wouldn't. Funny as that is, I moved away from my home bases, and want to move even further away. I am backwards on that point, but oh well. It is what I want, and my heart is set on it. It is going to take a lot of convincing to get me to change my mind. If Mike said he would go with me, I would be all for it. I just know that my mother is going to appose my moving in with him no matter where we go, at all costs even. I don't think she understands, and I know she does, but let's say she won't let herself understand. I am too young, I have a bright future, blah blah blah. Ugh, today is shit, and I feel like a hot pile of today. I am bitching, I know. I should stop, but I need to let it all out.
All I want is hot cocoa and some warm company.
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