& here we are again.

You guessed it! I am back & I can't sleep- per usual. I am in so much pain. My jaw just begun to hurt, and it seems as though I have the begin signs of streptococcus or tonsillitis. My inner ear is beginning to get warm now as well. I took antibiotics before I went to sleep and I wake up to this feeling. It is the shittiest I have felt in a long long while. To top it all off, it is only on one side of my throat, so everything feels off balance. Thank you Karma, for getting me sick when I have been looking forward to this party for quite some time now. Well fuck. Enough with the rant, let me try to type up something nice for once.


I really cannot think of anything worth while right now. All I know is that I don't want to get too sick by tonight because I really want to go out. I will be really upset if I am not going to be able to, I know it. I keep worrying and I am starting to wonder if my body is over reacting and making me sicker. Is that even possible? I have no clue really. I hope to god not, because that would be tres shitty. Well here comes the cough too. Well fuck me and call me Charlie. I really need to go to the doctor's, perhaps I can go in the morning. I wonder if they take in people that soon. This is really bugging me.










I failed with this post. I am sorry.

Really?

This post is stemming from sheer frustration. I can never write at a normal fucking time. Really though, look back. I dare you to- all these times are ridiculous. It looks like I never sleep, or that I am extremely troubled in that department. I am not so much an insomniac as I used to be. It will consume me from time to time, it all depends on my stress level. I have just had my second nightmare of the night. I hate them, they can kiss my ass. I have been sleeping peacefully (for once) for the last few months. Well perhaps not months, but longer than I am used to. How dare my overactive imagination take hold of me like this. Bastard! I just want to sleep, I am so exhausted. I know I am going to feel like shit in the morning, but I have to stay up to rid myself of the horror my mind has created. Nothing of any significance even happen in the dream, all I know is that it was horrible. I lucid dream to top it off. I never dream without knowing I am dreaming. It isn't that cool, not when you cannot clearly make conscious decisions. I get extremely curious when I am in "dreamland", even when I know it will end badly, I keeping walking to that door, keeping driving into the darkness, just to see what the fuck is up. It is always horrific, and I always find myself there, and I wake up scared, pissed, upset everything. Now I am hungry from wasting all my energy exploring the desolate hills behind my house- in dreamland that is. Fuck! Perhaps it is stemming from the novel I am reading. It would happen, but I don't wish to cease reading it. It is far too good. I have had to do this before. I hate my mind sometimes. I have been this way since I was little. I don't think much of anything when it first happens, I am one to indulge in anything I get my hands on. No matter what, it usually ends up lingering in my mind, causing me no sleep or nightmares. I hate it. I just want to fall back into a sleep, but I am honestly scared to close my eyes. I don't want to be in that darkness. I only ever enter into that darkness only to walk myself into an even darker place. How can the blackness of thought get any darker? It can, it really can. Think long enough and deep enough and odd things start arising. Things you never knew could exist. They don't but they are ever so tangible in your atmospheric dream wonderland. This place has no limits, no breaking point. Only you possess that flaw. Your dreams take form and become something, something you never intended to happen. You have conceived a monster, a literal powerhouse of evil. It used to be a white rabbit, you turned that rabbit into its purest thought. The sheer beginning of a rabbit, its soul. It has a tangible soul. Yes this is happening, you see it. You watch this innocence transform into something horrific. Right there, you feel like you are awake, but you are far from it, you watch it morph. Getting gaunt, bloody and transparent. A rabbit? You think this to yourself, your mind is fully aware of what is happening, but your body- stone. You can not escape this image. Something so simple, a little white bunny, it's soul, your horror. Something so sweet turned so sour. You keep watching as the once pure creature changes, rapidly. What the fuck is going on? You stare in amazement, you are intrigued, yet you know what it to come. This thing, this bunny is changing, you know it is changing. Something so pure should never take on such a form. It is no longer a child longed pet. It is a gruesome hell bound creature and it is coming toward you. It is tangible so you fret, yet you stand there watching it come at you. It changes again, taking on what you fear most, anything no matter how irrelevant, but it is coming. You stand in the darkness of your own thought watching it come towards you. The fear never registers until it hits you. Runs through you at an alarming rate, you shudder and wake up. You try not to recall the image, or anything that just happened, but it is still there, taunting you. You think you see it- you are awake- how could this be happening? You sit awake, you breathe, you sweat. Dreams like this- so simple, so bizarre, what are the points of them. They mean so much to me, yet they mean nothing and make no sense. They send me into fits of wonder and irritant rambles. I want to find out the meanings they hold, but I know the mind is far to complex to even chip or dent the fortress that it is. It boggles me, I hate it, this is why I am up at night. It makes sense, these dreams- They might just be a way for me to test myself, for me to pick at my own mind. Regardless, they are ridiculously tangible, and I just want to reach out and do something about them, but I know I can't. I stand in my dreams and stare at my hands, knowing nothing is going to happen if I swing, or run. I can only walk towards the object that is taunting me, even though I don't want to I always do.

Goddamn dreamland and all your wacky fucking scary as shit nonsense.





I need that sleep, let me have that sleep.

Cloud cloud, Rain rain

I am up surprisingly early, feeling a strong sense of nostalgia. I know this shall pass soon, but with this rain and the darkness of my room, I can't help but to be wrapped up in it- it is making me so very very sad. I shouldn't have spent that much time with Matt. I just need his company again, but I don't know how to go about letting myself do that. I am not the person he knows anymore. At least I don't feel that way anymore. I have to lie so much, still. It tears me apart. The list rolls on and it has been this way with him forever. I guess there are somethings that he doesn't need to know. They are mine for the keeping and that is that.

Other than the feeling of nostalgia, I am somewhat at peace. This rain is lovely. I really wish my certain someone was here to snuggle with me and keep my body from aching the way it does. I hope my plans will fall through this Friday and I will be able to see Mike. It would really lighten my overall mood.


This post is weak, and I really have nothing else to enter here. Perhaps I will write later on in the day. Sleep is calling at me again, I don't think 5 hours constitutes as a good nights sleep.


Until next time.

Death

I could just die.






the end

You are the blood.

The medication seems to be settling in on my system- this is good. I should be getting tired soon, which is also good. It is very unfortunate that I got sick right when we got into the hotel. I am here for four days and I am sick, what are the odds? I really have nothing to do either, besides watch my little cousin, and entertain him. This is an easy task. I really don't have a purpose of writing, and my title is completely irrelevant. Regardless, I am still writing, which is something that I promised myself that I would do more of.



So here I am, in this lobby- alone. My mind keeps wandering off as I look at all the other people here around me. Everyone has a Ph.D or some sort of degree, and can afford this place. I am sitting here in my dingy clothes hogging the free WiFi. Heartless bastards! It is okay, I am here for a reason, so that gives my presence purpose. I am all for purpose. I am writing for the sake of writing, ugh.



I miss you, I miss you, I miss you!
I cannot listen to most of the songs I enjoy without missing you. This is out of control! I don't care though. I am head over heels, smitten, amorous, and everything in between.


I think this is all, Signing Off!

And here I sit

It is nearly twelve, and I have been up for some time now. I feel so lost. I have no one to tend to, no one to cook for, no one to work for and nothing new to learn. I feel empty with out all of this, and I know it will lead to depression if I don't get out and do something fast. Most everyone I know is either at school or work, or simply sleeping because they have no life. Regardless, I am alone today. I don't want to be alone today. I hate having this fucking complex. I hate being alone, and it eats away at me until I sleep it off. Not to mention I am completely irked at the fact that my mother wants me to go to Georgia for school in the fall and not even give Seattle a running chance. I couldn't sleep last night with this thought buzzing around my head. I just huffed at his scent and tried my best to drift into a deep sleep. I did, eventually, but it wasn't good enough for me. I am turning into a selfish wreck again. I only want to do things for myself. I want to go and move away for myself and my dreams, not for my mothers security. I know if I don't want to go to Georgia my mother will guilt me into going and I know I won't be happy, even if I am doing what I love. I don't see myself nor my bakery residing in Atlanta. I know, there is history and splendor of all sorts. I can visit, I don't know if I want to live there. Yes, it has Felicia written all over it, but Seattle might as well. I won't know for sure until I visit both. I know this visit will be coming soon. I don't want to go, I don't want to fall in love with it. I want to fall for Seattle so I can have Mike there with me. I don't think he would move so far from his home bases. I know I wouldn't. Funny as that is, I moved away from my home bases, and want to move even further away. I am backwards on that point, but oh well. It is what I want, and my heart is set on it. It is going to take a lot of convincing to get me to change my mind. If Mike said he would go with me, I would be all for it. I just know that my mother is going to appose my moving in with him no matter where we go, at all costs even. I don't think she understands, and I know she does, but let's say she won't let herself understand. I am too young, I have a bright future, blah blah blah. Ugh, today is shit, and I feel like a hot pile of today. I am bitching, I know. I should stop, but I need to let it all out.


All I want is hot cocoa and some warm company.

Not now, not tonight.

Yet again, up at an ungodly hour. I cannot seem to get back to sleep. The vicodin I was given is now wearing off. I can feel the terrible pain in my neck begin to resurface. It is hot on my skin, I can feel my muscle throbbing. These past few nights I have been sleeping with ease, and tonight- something ails me. I have so much surging through my mind at this hour, and it will not cease and let me sleep. I really don't know how to explain the emotion, but it isn't pleasant. I mean don't get me wrong I couldn't be happier having such an amazing person by my side, but in the last 24 hours, I have been afflicted with so much animosity that my mind is going crazy. Why would one person act in such a way? I was everything and then some, and I get treated so badly. This applies to more than one situation. It irks me so much sometimes, to think that people can actually live like that. To what extent does one get off being a complete and utter prick, towards everything? Wow, now that I think about that a little more, it truly does apply in both instances. I am talking about two different people, and two different scenarios, but- both are applicable. It is lovely, in a sense, how things work that way. Regardless of the douche-baggery, I am chipper at heart. I wish I was able to expel my anger, but something is telling me not to, not now.

I am promising myself this year that I am going to write- under all circumstances. I will write, no matter what. I know I need to oil up my gears and get cracking. It is something I enjoy greatly, but criticize far to much. I need to stop this, and just write. Write on every surface I have, come up with more one liners. If I can't create the painting, I will at least be its first spark. I am just so fucking inspired lately, and I can't be letting all of it go to waste. So, Felicia. no matter what! You must write. Let it all out- no matter how much you don't like it. There is bound to be one person who will enjoy your thought process. I know this to be true, and I am most certain this person is soundly asleep next to me.

This entry is long, but what to you expect from me at such an hour. I am tired, and my body aches with every stroke of the keys, but I am fueled- by what, I really don't know. The anger has slipped my mind, and is only to come back when I even mention the fact that I was angry, or upset. I am sure it will resurface, it always does- that, on the other hand is for a later date. I believe the winds are fueling my writing frenzy this morning. Everything depends on the weather for me, at least I like to think so. Then again, I am weird, and think the oddest things have significance. Fuck, perhaps they do! Anyhow, tick tock tick tock. Mind is wandering and not picking anything up to bring back to me. Where do I go? I could go way out of left field, but I think it would be too much. Not now, not tonight. Yet again, my mind rings out telling me not to so silly things. That voice- so tiny, yet so bold.




Bahhhh, shit. I think I am done. I still feel like there is something to say though.