Let's see if I can get anything to flow out of my boggled head. I am ever so exhausted from today, my heart is heavy as usual, but I am still fluttering. I wish I could just drive my car all night to who knows where, blare my music and melt into the seat. All I have wanted to do lately is melt, melt away into nothingness, and watch from the inside. I am tired lately, I feel too much for too little of an outcome. I want to love effortlessly without any hesitation, and for some people it isn't like that. I want to melt, so badly. I want to mesh into something that isn't myself, someone else. Bubblegum!
This is shit, I am sorry.
Twenty more minutes of this, then I am going to go to bed.
My period key isn't working, unless I jam on it really hard.
Tom Waits, heal my soul.
heart goes blood flows, flows deep into my veins and pumps through my body through my arms and tingles the tips of my fingers it circles back rushes deep into my cheeks, floods my face with warmth. this warmth is what I crave, warmth is what I lack. living in a body that has a constant chill is unappealing.
FUCKKK, how can I do this when I am not angry or too upset. I just don't understand it, I tried and I am sorry for failing. :[
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Monday, September 20, 2010
Memories
Some time last march
As the dark clouds rapidly consume the once clear blue sky, I long for a place where I can stop and just write, but my surroundings don't permit me to do so. The bell rings and we must flee to our next class. Forever being told what to do by a bell, what tools we've become. It's almost as if we are mice in a maze searching only for our cheese.
Oh my, where have the days gone? As the flame flickers my writing pace advances. Brain pumping with all its might to keep up with the never ending winds. I wish to be a leaf, a leaf aged with season, plucked with the first winds of autumn, and then, burned. Don't fret for this shant be the end of me, I shall be dispersed into the open air, fragrant with life and wisdom. I’ll linger just long enough for you to recall your favorite memories, as you dwell on long forgotten times. I’ll be gone and lost forever. You’ll see me again soon, for I will be that first spring air to blow your hair out of place.
June 15, 2007
Rewinding my thoughts to a time when things were harsh and lachrymose. In a sense those days were good yet each waking moment I feared for my life a secret would be spoken of and my soul would be ripped from my clammy palms and smashed to the ground gilded and alone. Those days are over now, yet I still toil with forgotten love, lustful thought and a nebulous relationship with a boy I care greatly about. Pity is a word often connotated with this abrupt feeling of sadness. Not pity upon my own being, but pity for the loss of security and meaning. Why it is that such a friendship could dwindle from sight faster than it was obtained?
I am stuck within the pages of this wretched book, asking silly questions that could and maybe are crystalline to my perception. I probably choose not to read between the lines. To me life shouldn’t be about enigmas and conundrums. No one should live their life guessing. Don’t hide, just come out with it, because in actuality you must learn to face and overcome the hurtful truths of life. That’s just the way things should be.
I consider myself, at this present moment, a fortress of better understanding. I have it all in my head. I know the backgrounds of everything important right now, but am it useful?
November 25, 2007
The sun warms by body as the cold air whips at my face. There are so many people here, yet some how, I feel alone. Singled out.........
It is such a beautiful day. The weather is perfect and I haven’t seen the sky this blue in a long time. It makes me sad looking at something so wonderful, and uninhabited but may people and just knowing that the thing I am apart of, the human race, is slowly putting such beauty to an end. People don’t understand the severity of their actions. Slowly, but surely, we are burning our earth. My mother doesn’t believe that it will end in for, nor ice just a large: POOF: plain and simple. POOF! And we are all gone, painless. Wouldn’t that be a grand way to go? Personally I believe that our world/universe will simply implode thusly sucking itself into its existence or creating either a black hole or another big bang. This will most likely be large enough to recreate our universe, but then again it’s just a theory.
January 4, 2008
Bound to the mind.
My words are cut off from being heard. There is a cork in my soul and my opinions cannot be heard. My mind can’t even evaluate them, nor distinguish their true meaning. Am I better off confining my tongue to the bowels of my stomach, forever choking on the lost sentences? Or will I cough up that cork and disperse of this held back word vomit? The only way to truly rid me of this nonsense is to provoke my emotions, frustrate me, make me cry and then hand me a pen and my book. I will then unleash my fury upon it, fueled with emotion and angst teen bullshit.
Someday in February 3:12 a.m.
Here I am again, filled with nostalgia. I am cold, alone in my own little world listening to the rain. Too many people the rain seem to evoke a sense of gloom and sadness, but for me it’s the opposite. The rain fills me with joy and ease. It soothe my soul and comforts my heart, making it easy to think and even easier to write. I am a being who is filled with sensory emotion, from the nerves in my fingers to the tip of my tongue. It is easy to inflict me with sorrow or rejoice, but there's one and only one person who sends me straight into a spiral of sadness anger, happiness and regret every time we speak. I have no clue why I get this way, but it’s inevitable. I can’t control it and for some reason it taunts me..................TO BE CONTINUED
As the dark clouds rapidly consume the once clear blue sky, I long for a place where I can stop and just write, but my surroundings don't permit me to do so. The bell rings and we must flee to our next class. Forever being told what to do by a bell, what tools we've become. It's almost as if we are mice in a maze searching only for our cheese.
Oh my, where have the days gone? As the flame flickers my writing pace advances. Brain pumping with all its might to keep up with the never ending winds. I wish to be a leaf, a leaf aged with season, plucked with the first winds of autumn, and then, burned. Don't fret for this shant be the end of me, I shall be dispersed into the open air, fragrant with life and wisdom. I’ll linger just long enough for you to recall your favorite memories, as you dwell on long forgotten times. I’ll be gone and lost forever. You’ll see me again soon, for I will be that first spring air to blow your hair out of place.
June 15, 2007
Rewinding my thoughts to a time when things were harsh and lachrymose. In a sense those days were good yet each waking moment I feared for my life a secret would be spoken of and my soul would be ripped from my clammy palms and smashed to the ground gilded and alone. Those days are over now, yet I still toil with forgotten love, lustful thought and a nebulous relationship with a boy I care greatly about. Pity is a word often connotated with this abrupt feeling of sadness. Not pity upon my own being, but pity for the loss of security and meaning. Why it is that such a friendship could dwindle from sight faster than it was obtained?
I am stuck within the pages of this wretched book, asking silly questions that could and maybe are crystalline to my perception. I probably choose not to read between the lines. To me life shouldn’t be about enigmas and conundrums. No one should live their life guessing. Don’t hide, just come out with it, because in actuality you must learn to face and overcome the hurtful truths of life. That’s just the way things should be.
I consider myself, at this present moment, a fortress of better understanding. I have it all in my head. I know the backgrounds of everything important right now, but am it useful?
November 25, 2007
The sun warms by body as the cold air whips at my face. There are so many people here, yet some how, I feel alone. Singled out.........
It is such a beautiful day. The weather is perfect and I haven’t seen the sky this blue in a long time. It makes me sad looking at something so wonderful, and uninhabited but may people and just knowing that the thing I am apart of, the human race, is slowly putting such beauty to an end. People don’t understand the severity of their actions. Slowly, but surely, we are burning our earth. My mother doesn’t believe that it will end in for, nor ice just a large: POOF: plain and simple. POOF! And we are all gone, painless. Wouldn’t that be a grand way to go? Personally I believe that our world/universe will simply implode thusly sucking itself into its existence or creating either a black hole or another big bang. This will most likely be large enough to recreate our universe, but then again it’s just a theory.
January 4, 2008
Bound to the mind.
My words are cut off from being heard. There is a cork in my soul and my opinions cannot be heard. My mind can’t even evaluate them, nor distinguish their true meaning. Am I better off confining my tongue to the bowels of my stomach, forever choking on the lost sentences? Or will I cough up that cork and disperse of this held back word vomit? The only way to truly rid me of this nonsense is to provoke my emotions, frustrate me, make me cry and then hand me a pen and my book. I will then unleash my fury upon it, fueled with emotion and angst teen bullshit.
Someday in February 3:12 a.m.
Here I am again, filled with nostalgia. I am cold, alone in my own little world listening to the rain. Too many people the rain seem to evoke a sense of gloom and sadness, but for me it’s the opposite. The rain fills me with joy and ease. It soothe my soul and comforts my heart, making it easy to think and even easier to write. I am a being who is filled with sensory emotion, from the nerves in my fingers to the tip of my tongue. It is easy to inflict me with sorrow or rejoice, but there's one and only one person who sends me straight into a spiral of sadness anger, happiness and regret every time we speak. I have no clue why I get this way, but it’s inevitable. I can’t control it and for some reason it taunts me..................TO BE CONTINUED
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
I don't know what these thoughts are. I can't seem to decipher them, they are in some code that I have never seen before. Is it because I am living with him? Is it because I moved into something too much for my heart to handle. Am I not ready for this? I feel ready, but perhaps that isn't what I am feeling. I just want to know what to say in order to let him know how I feel. My emotions show right to the surface and I cannot hide them, but I don't know how to explain what is to be read on my face. It makes me sick. My thoughts are turning over and over. I can't stop them, but nothing floats to the surface. Nothing, I am at a loss of words. I wish to let him know what is going on, but yet again I don't. I am afraid that it will be something horrible. Something I cannot erase. I have done nothing wrong, I am upset, but why? Is it because he doesn't want to go out with me tonight? Is it because he thinks ill of my friend. Yes, I was with her when my things got stolen, but No, I don't think it was her fault. I want to know why he isn't 100% with me. Perhaps that is it, I know what he will say. "I don't want to hurt you." "I have nothing else to say." Blah Blah, I don't believe it. I just don't and my heart won't let me.
He is upset, and I can see that. He is confused as well, but I don't think he knows why either. He thinks I am upset with him and I am not sure if I am entirely. I just don't fucking know. What is this feeling? Is it because I am locked away from everything? These last few months have been my theoretical hell. Heat included. I don't do anything, I haven't got the funds. I don't talk to anyone, because they never respond to my messages or calls. I feel alone in this house, so very very alone. I am confused and I question everything. There is some extreme growing that needs to be done. I think that is what it is. It has to be! I need to grow and to think, but how? That is what I need to answer next, how? Will this job help me grow? Will being out nearly everyday help me grow? Will this all give me time in order to think about what I really want. I need to stop living in my head and actually do what I say I will, because life isn't your dream in reality. Life is the bullshit in between the states of euphoria, which never last long.
I have lost my train of thought. It has left without me and I probably won't ever get it back.
He is upset, and I can see that. He is confused as well, but I don't think he knows why either. He thinks I am upset with him and I am not sure if I am entirely. I just don't fucking know. What is this feeling? Is it because I am locked away from everything? These last few months have been my theoretical hell. Heat included. I don't do anything, I haven't got the funds. I don't talk to anyone, because they never respond to my messages or calls. I feel alone in this house, so very very alone. I am confused and I question everything. There is some extreme growing that needs to be done. I think that is what it is. It has to be! I need to grow and to think, but how? That is what I need to answer next, how? Will this job help me grow? Will being out nearly everyday help me grow? Will this all give me time in order to think about what I really want. I need to stop living in my head and actually do what I say I will, because life isn't your dream in reality. Life is the bullshit in between the states of euphoria, which never last long.
I have lost my train of thought. It has left without me and I probably won't ever get it back.
Friday, July 9, 2010
I wonder if I will be able to write today. I am in a weird state so I am sure something shall break the surface- It always does when I seem to be feeling this way.
My fingers fumble around the keyboard like a clumsy girl who has had too much to drink. I wish I had too much to drink right now. I am sober, hot and sticky. These are all very unpleasant feelings to have. I want the cold weather back so much, but it has to be summer, the only things to look forward to in these desolate months is my birthday, and a few others. In the winter you can anticipate the rain or snow and the changes of the leaves. So much beauty in those months. Nothing changes in the summer, all you get is heat, and more heat. Yet again, something I don't fine pleasant, in the least bit.
What could I possibly write about?
My lack of money flow, my terrible spending habits along with my sleeping and eat habits. They are all atrocious. I wish I could snap my fingers and POOF I would have a job with money saved up and I would have my ferret and yummy food in the house. Unfortunately shit like that doesn't happen. Even in the movies there is some sort of repercussion and then the main character has to deal with some heavy shit. I don't want that, I already have enough shit to deal with.
Nothing to write really, I simply seem to be wasting time now. My mind is completely out of practice, all I want to do is sleep, smoke, drink and eat. Nothing more, nothing less. I know once I have that fucking job it will get my ass into gear, but until then I am stuck. I hate being stuck, is isn't fun. I don't know how Mike deals with this. He keeps such a straight face, I know he is struggling, but I can't keep it together like he does. I pout and sigh and wine about it all. Life is hard, I know this. I wish it wasn't, but it is and it sucks. This is all I want in life right now:
A job with Urban Outfitters
Money in the bank
An apartment or loft
Food in my fridge
Gas in my car
A white ferret name Unagi
More tattoos/clothes
That is it, that is all I want and I KNOW I will be happy. Simple simple, but getting a job is the hardest part. I know once I am working for something I will be able to sleep at night, save my money and persevere and get the shit I want/need. Time isn't on my side right now either, it seems to wither so fast. Especially these past few months. Time is a sneaky bitch too, it takes my money and my hopes when it passes. Sly sneaky unforgiving bitch! - Time that is
I suppose I am done, for now.
My fingers fumble around the keyboard like a clumsy girl who has had too much to drink. I wish I had too much to drink right now. I am sober, hot and sticky. These are all very unpleasant feelings to have. I want the cold weather back so much, but it has to be summer, the only things to look forward to in these desolate months is my birthday, and a few others. In the winter you can anticipate the rain or snow and the changes of the leaves. So much beauty in those months. Nothing changes in the summer, all you get is heat, and more heat. Yet again, something I don't fine pleasant, in the least bit.
What could I possibly write about?
My lack of money flow, my terrible spending habits along with my sleeping and eat habits. They are all atrocious. I wish I could snap my fingers and POOF I would have a job with money saved up and I would have my ferret and yummy food in the house. Unfortunately shit like that doesn't happen. Even in the movies there is some sort of repercussion and then the main character has to deal with some heavy shit. I don't want that, I already have enough shit to deal with.
Nothing to write really, I simply seem to be wasting time now. My mind is completely out of practice, all I want to do is sleep, smoke, drink and eat. Nothing more, nothing less. I know once I have that fucking job it will get my ass into gear, but until then I am stuck. I hate being stuck, is isn't fun. I don't know how Mike deals with this. He keeps such a straight face, I know he is struggling, but I can't keep it together like he does. I pout and sigh and wine about it all. Life is hard, I know this. I wish it wasn't, but it is and it sucks. This is all I want in life right now:
A job with Urban Outfitters
Money in the bank
An apartment or loft
Food in my fridge
Gas in my car
A white ferret name Unagi
More tattoos/clothes
That is it, that is all I want and I KNOW I will be happy. Simple simple, but getting a job is the hardest part. I know once I am working for something I will be able to sleep at night, save my money and persevere and get the shit I want/need. Time isn't on my side right now either, it seems to wither so fast. Especially these past few months. Time is a sneaky bitch too, it takes my money and my hopes when it passes. Sly sneaky unforgiving bitch! - Time that is
I suppose I am done, for now.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
For the love of God.
Let us start fresh, because that last rant was far to ridiculous for me to publish.
Well fuck, now I have nothing to write.
2010 has been a complete and udder clusterfuck of sickness inducing bullshit. I am still bouncing back, and I don't think things will be better until winter. That is such a long ways away, shiiiii-
I wish I could have last winter back. Everything was bliss then. I want that feeling back, I only get it in songs now. It is still a nice feeling but not as pure.
He stands there in front of me frustrated, cleaning frantically. He works with such caution, always gentle in all manners of life. When kissing me, holding me, working with anything. He has such a gentle touch, but his mind is troubled. I find this so beautiful though. Amazingly intriguing, I want to know him inside and out, but he won't let me. Not yet. I want to know now, but I can't and it hurts me a little. But I am madly in love with him so I will patiently wait. This is the first relationship I have ever been in that I has actually changed me. I am ever so grateful as well. I have gained patience, only a little, but still, I have gained it amongst other things. I just want to sit and stare at him and shower him in kisses and hugs. I feel as though I cannot be tamed when around him, my love that is. It just blooms and explodes when he looks at me or kisses my forehead. Sometimes I am a bitch, and I fuck up and then I feel terrible because I have hurt him. I wish I didn't screw up in the ways that I do, no matter how little. I just want to smack myself in the face when I say something stupid. Okay, stop with the negative. My head is hurting again, I should stop.
Good night.
Well fuck, now I have nothing to write.
2010 has been a complete and udder clusterfuck of sickness inducing bullshit. I am still bouncing back, and I don't think things will be better until winter. That is such a long ways away, shiiiii-
I wish I could have last winter back. Everything was bliss then. I want that feeling back, I only get it in songs now. It is still a nice feeling but not as pure.
He stands there in front of me frustrated, cleaning frantically. He works with such caution, always gentle in all manners of life. When kissing me, holding me, working with anything. He has such a gentle touch, but his mind is troubled. I find this so beautiful though. Amazingly intriguing, I want to know him inside and out, but he won't let me. Not yet. I want to know now, but I can't and it hurts me a little. But I am madly in love with him so I will patiently wait. This is the first relationship I have ever been in that I has actually changed me. I am ever so grateful as well. I have gained patience, only a little, but still, I have gained it amongst other things. I just want to sit and stare at him and shower him in kisses and hugs. I feel as though I cannot be tamed when around him, my love that is. It just blooms and explodes when he looks at me or kisses my forehead. Sometimes I am a bitch, and I fuck up and then I feel terrible because I have hurt him. I wish I didn't screw up in the ways that I do, no matter how little. I just want to smack myself in the face when I say something stupid. Okay, stop with the negative. My head is hurting again, I should stop.
Good night.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Ranting.
I can't seem to shake this feeling. I have been so irritated lately. I snap at Mike I am cranky and short tempered with others. I basically got called a zombie today. I have been walking around mindlessly, no hope in my heart, nothing. It is making me sick. The bags under my eyes are horrendous. I thought that they were due to my mascara. I was wrong, I look severly ill. Throughout this who year so far I have seemingly sacrificed everything. I fucked up royally in school, yet again. I might be put on academic probation. College just isn't for me. Sorry to say it, but it isn't. I don't want to write 12 page essays on bullshit that really isn't going to benefit me, since it happens to be general ed. Fuck that. I can't sleep comfortably knowing how much I have screwed up my life. I am sitting here trying to analyze what I could possibly do in order to get it all back running smoothly again. It is going to take so much time and effort, and I have no clue how I am going to manage. I don't think I should be taking Japanese this summer, I really think I should work instead and make as much money and I possible can. I want to sleep in my own bed so badly. My mind is hazy so I am probably jumping around. I have lost my train of thought completely.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
It hurts to feel.
My heart is so very heavy. I feel alone in a house filled with people, a family. I am not a part of this family yet I am here. This is one of the reasons I feel so alone. I am not one of them. I sit alone in this room and stare into my computer screen wondering what my mother is doing and hoping that no one has gone through my things. I have always had dreams of being a vagabond of sorts, but this isn't the way I wanted it to be. I have no home, I have no family to call mine, and it isn't making me happy. This isn't the dream that I wanted, this isn't the way I wanted things to go, but I guess in some ways- I needed it. I took the plunge to leave my home, my mother, my life. In hopes of being taken in by people who I thought would love me. I thought wrong, like I usually do, and now I am stranded. It is weird this feeling of in between. I am not out on my own exactly, but I don't have a place to call my home either. I have been doing my best not to cry about this, I can't seem to do it. It just hurts and then I get this feeling in my stomach, and all I can say is that I am feeling sick. I have been feeling sick a lot lately. I miss my bed, my dogs and the smell of my mother so much, but I can't go back, I can't talk to her. She won't understand not even now. My mother is stubborn and will always be stubborn. It is just something I have to live with from here on out, and right now I am choosing not to live with it.
I feel sick and I just want to sleep. For days.
I feel sick and I just want to sleep. For days.
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