Memories

Some time last march
As the dark clouds rapidly consume the once clear blue sky, I long for a place where I can stop and just write, but my surroundings don't permit me to do so. The bell rings and we must flee to our next class. Forever being told what to do by a bell, what tools we've become. It's almost as if we are mice in a maze searching only for our cheese.
Oh my, where have the days gone? As the flame flickers my writing pace advances. Brain pumping with all its might to keep up with the never ending winds. I wish to be a leaf, a leaf aged with season, plucked with the first winds of autumn, and then, burned. Don't fret for this shant be the end of me, I shall be dispersed into the open air, fragrant with life and wisdom. I’ll linger just long enough for you to recall your favorite memories, as you dwell on long forgotten times. I’ll be gone and lost forever. You’ll see me again soon, for I will be that first spring air to blow your hair out of place.

June 15, 2007
Rewinding my thoughts to a time when things were harsh and lachrymose. In a sense those days were good yet each waking moment I feared for my life a secret would be spoken of and my soul would be ripped from my clammy palms and smashed to the ground gilded and alone. Those days are over now, yet I still toil with forgotten love, lustful thought and a nebulous relationship with a boy I care greatly about. Pity is a word often connotated with this abrupt feeling of sadness. Not pity upon my own being, but pity for the loss of security and meaning. Why it is that such a friendship could dwindle from sight faster than it was obtained?
I am stuck within the pages of this wretched book, asking silly questions that could and maybe are crystalline to my perception. I probably choose not to read between the lines. To me life shouldn’t be about enigmas and conundrums. No one should live their life guessing. Don’t hide, just come out with it, because in actuality you must learn to face and overcome the hurtful truths of life. That’s just the way things should be.
I consider myself, at this present moment, a fortress of better understanding. I have it all in my head. I know the backgrounds of everything important right now, but am it useful?

November 25, 2007
The sun warms by body as the cold air whips at my face. There are so many people here, yet some how, I feel alone. Singled out.........
It is such a beautiful day. The weather is perfect and I haven’t seen the sky this blue in a long time. It makes me sad looking at something so wonderful, and uninhabited but may people and just knowing that the thing I am apart of, the human race, is slowly putting such beauty to an end. People don’t understand the severity of their actions. Slowly, but surely, we are burning our earth. My mother doesn’t believe that it will end in for, nor ice just a large: POOF: plain and simple. POOF! And we are all gone, painless. Wouldn’t that be a grand way to go? Personally I believe that our world/universe will simply implode thusly sucking itself into its existence or creating either a black hole or another big bang. This will most likely be large enough to recreate our universe, but then again it’s just a theory.

January 4, 2008
Bound to the mind.
My words are cut off from being heard. There is a cork in my soul and my opinions cannot be heard. My mind can’t even evaluate them, nor distinguish their true meaning. Am I better off confining my tongue to the bowels of my stomach, forever choking on the lost sentences? Or will I cough up that cork and disperse of this held back word vomit? The only way to truly rid me of this nonsense is to provoke my emotions, frustrate me, make me cry and then hand me a pen and my book. I will then unleash my fury upon it, fueled with emotion and angst teen bullshit.

Someday in February 3:12 a.m.
Here I am again, filled with nostalgia. I am cold, alone in my own little world listening to the rain. Too many people the rain seem to evoke a sense of gloom and sadness, but for me it’s the opposite. The rain fills me with joy and ease. It soothe my soul and comforts my heart, making it easy to think and even easier to write. I am a being who is filled with sensory emotion, from the nerves in my fingers to the tip of my tongue. It is easy to inflict me with sorrow or rejoice, but there's one and only one person who sends me straight into a spiral of sadness anger, happiness and regret every time we speak. I have no clue why I get this way, but it’s inevitable. I can’t control it and for some reason it taunts me..................TO BE CONTINUED

I don't know what these thoughts are. I can't seem to decipher them, they are in some code that I have never seen before. Is it because I am living with him? Is it because I moved into something too much for my heart to handle. Am I not ready for this? I feel ready, but perhaps that isn't what I am feeling. I just want to know what to say in order to let him know how I feel. My emotions show right to the surface and I cannot hide them, but I don't know how to explain what is to be read on my face. It makes me sick. My thoughts are turning over and over. I can't stop them, but nothing floats to the surface. Nothing, I am at a loss of words. I wish to let him know what is going on, but yet again I don't. I am afraid that it will be something horrible. Something I cannot erase. I have done nothing wrong, I am upset, but why? Is it because he doesn't want to go out with me tonight? Is it because he thinks ill of my friend. Yes, I was with her when my things got stolen, but No, I don't think it was her fault. I want to know why he isn't 100% with me. Perhaps that is it, I know what he will say. "I don't want to hurt you." "I have nothing else to say." Blah Blah, I don't believe it. I just don't and my heart won't let me.

He is upset, and I can see that. He is confused as well, but I don't think he knows why either. He thinks I am upset with him and I am not sure if I am entirely. I just don't fucking know. What is this feeling? Is it because I am locked away from everything? These last few months have been my theoretical hell. Heat included. I don't do anything, I haven't got the funds. I don't talk to anyone, because they never respond to my messages or calls. I feel alone in this house, so very very alone. I am confused and I question everything. There is some extreme growing that needs to be done. I think that is what it is. It has to be! I need to grow and to think, but how? That is what I need to answer next, how? Will this job help me grow? Will being out nearly everyday help me grow? Will this all give me time in order to think about what I really want. I need to stop living in my head and actually do what I say I will, because life isn't your dream in reality. Life is the bullshit in between the states of euphoria, which never last long.

I have lost my train of thought. It has left without me and I probably won't ever get it back.

I wonder if I will be able to write today. I am in a weird state so I am sure something shall break the surface- It always does when I seem to be feeling this way.


My fingers fumble around the keyboard like a clumsy girl who has had too much to drink. I wish I had too much to drink right now. I am sober, hot and sticky. These are all very unpleasant feelings to have. I want the cold weather back so much, but it has to be summer, the only things to look forward to in these desolate months is my birthday, and a few others. In the winter you can anticipate the rain or snow and the changes of the leaves. So much beauty in those months. Nothing changes in the summer, all you get is heat, and more heat. Yet again, something I don't fine pleasant, in the least bit.

What could I possibly write about?

My lack of money flow, my terrible spending habits along with my sleeping and eat habits. They are all atrocious. I wish I could snap my fingers and POOF I would have a job with money saved up and I would have my ferret and yummy food in the house. Unfortunately shit like that doesn't happen. Even in the movies there is some sort of repercussion and then the main character has to deal with some heavy shit. I don't want that, I already have enough shit to deal with.


Nothing to write really, I simply seem to be wasting time now. My mind is completely out of practice, all I want to do is sleep, smoke, drink and eat. Nothing more, nothing less. I know once I have that fucking job it will get my ass into gear, but until then I am stuck. I hate being stuck, is isn't fun. I don't know how Mike deals with this. He keeps such a straight face, I know he is struggling, but I can't keep it together like he does. I pout and sigh and wine about it all. Life is hard, I know this. I wish it wasn't, but it is and it sucks. This is all I want in life right now:

A job with Urban Outfitters
Money in the bank
An apartment or loft
Food in my fridge
Gas in my car
A white ferret name Unagi
More tattoos/clothes

That is it, that is all I want and I KNOW I will be happy. Simple simple, but getting a job is the hardest part. I know once I am working for something I will be able to sleep at night, save my money and persevere and get the shit I want/need. Time isn't on my side right now either, it seems to wither so fast. Especially these past few months. Time is a sneaky bitch too, it takes my money and my hopes when it passes. Sly sneaky unforgiving bitch! - Time that is


I suppose I am done, for now.

For the love of God.

Let us start fresh, because that last rant was far to ridiculous for me to publish.

Well fuck, now I have nothing to write.

2010 has been a complete and udder clusterfuck of sickness inducing bullshit. I am still bouncing back, and I don't think things will be better until winter. That is such a long ways away, shiiiii-

I wish I could have last winter back. Everything was bliss then. I want that feeling back, I only get it in songs now. It is still a nice feeling but not as pure.

He stands there in front of me frustrated, cleaning frantically. He works with such caution, always gentle in all manners of life. When kissing me, holding me, working with anything. He has such a gentle touch, but his mind is troubled. I find this so beautiful though. Amazingly intriguing, I want to know him inside and out, but he won't let me. Not yet. I want to know now, but I can't and it hurts me a little. But I am madly in love with him so I will patiently wait. This is the first relationship I have ever been in that I has actually changed me. I am ever so grateful as well. I have gained patience, only a little, but still, I have gained it amongst other things. I just want to sit and stare at him and shower him in kisses and hugs. I feel as though I cannot be tamed when around him, my love that is. It just blooms and explodes when he looks at me or kisses my forehead. Sometimes I am a bitch, and I fuck up and then I feel terrible because I have hurt him. I wish I didn't screw up in the ways that I do, no matter how little. I just want to smack myself in the face when I say something stupid. Okay, stop with the negative. My head is hurting again, I should stop.




Good night.

Ranting.

I can't seem to shake this feeling. I have been so irritated lately. I snap at Mike I am cranky and short tempered with others. I basically got called a zombie today. I have been walking around mindlessly, no hope in my heart, nothing. It is making me sick. The bags under my eyes are horrendous. I thought that they were due to my mascara. I was wrong, I look severly ill. Throughout this who year so far I have seemingly sacrificed everything. I fucked up royally in school, yet again. I might be put on academic probation. College just isn't for me. Sorry to say it, but it isn't. I don't want to write 12 page essays on bullshit that really isn't going to benefit me, since it happens to be general ed. Fuck that. I can't sleep comfortably knowing how much I have screwed up my life. I am sitting here trying to analyze what I could possibly do in order to get it all back running smoothly again. It is going to take so much time and effort, and I have no clue how I am going to manage. I don't think I should be taking Japanese this summer, I really think I should work instead and make as much money and I possible can. I want to sleep in my own bed so badly. My mind is hazy so I am probably jumping around. I have lost my train of thought completely.

It hurts to feel.

My heart is so very heavy. I feel alone in a house filled with people, a family. I am not a part of this family yet I am here. This is one of the reasons I feel so alone. I am not one of them. I sit alone in this room and stare into my computer screen wondering what my mother is doing and hoping that no one has gone through my things. I have always had dreams of being a vagabond of sorts, but this isn't the way I wanted it to be. I have no home, I have no family to call mine, and it isn't making me happy. This isn't the dream that I wanted, this isn't the way I wanted things to go, but I guess in some ways- I needed it. I took the plunge to leave my home, my mother, my life. In hopes of being taken in by people who I thought would love me. I thought wrong, like I usually do, and now I am stranded. It is weird this feeling of in between. I am not out on my own exactly, but I don't have a place to call my home either. I have been doing my best not to cry about this, I can't seem to do it. It just hurts and then I get this feeling in my stomach, and all I can say is that I am feeling sick. I have been feeling sick a lot lately. I miss my bed, my dogs and the smell of my mother so much, but I can't go back, I can't talk to her. She won't understand not even now. My mother is stubborn and will always be stubborn. It is just something I have to live with from here on out, and right now I am choosing not to live with it.


I feel sick and I just want to sleep. For days.

Like watching paint dry

So here I am, watching my nail polish dry. One of the most tedious things you can imagine. I am lying in my boyfriend's bed, which is where I rest my head these days since I really don't have a place to call home, just yet. I am in between moving out and moving in. His home is my limbo at the moment, but not limbo in the bad way. I am merely stuck, and have no place to really go. I have been getting more and more depressed which is leading to me feeling sick, and having the compulsion to throw up. There is nothing to be sick over, but it is my cycle of dealing with things. It is hard not to come to this point, but I am trying to fight back to save Mike from the horror that may ensue, it is not pretty. I really ought to write more, now that I am in a state where I can write, and hey! look at the time, semi normal. Right? Why is everything upsetting my stomach? I cannot stand this.

Jenga

My life feels like a game of Jenga, and some asshole pulled out the bottom piece and it all comes tumbling down.













& that is all.

& here we are again.

You guessed it! I am back & I can't sleep- per usual. I am in so much pain. My jaw just begun to hurt, and it seems as though I have the begin signs of streptococcus or tonsillitis. My inner ear is beginning to get warm now as well. I took antibiotics before I went to sleep and I wake up to this feeling. It is the shittiest I have felt in a long long while. To top it all off, it is only on one side of my throat, so everything feels off balance. Thank you Karma, for getting me sick when I have been looking forward to this party for quite some time now. Well fuck. Enough with the rant, let me try to type up something nice for once.


I really cannot think of anything worth while right now. All I know is that I don't want to get too sick by tonight because I really want to go out. I will be really upset if I am not going to be able to, I know it. I keep worrying and I am starting to wonder if my body is over reacting and making me sicker. Is that even possible? I have no clue really. I hope to god not, because that would be tres shitty. Well here comes the cough too. Well fuck me and call me Charlie. I really need to go to the doctor's, perhaps I can go in the morning. I wonder if they take in people that soon. This is really bugging me.










I failed with this post. I am sorry.

Really?

This post is stemming from sheer frustration. I can never write at a normal fucking time. Really though, look back. I dare you to- all these times are ridiculous. It looks like I never sleep, or that I am extremely troubled in that department. I am not so much an insomniac as I used to be. It will consume me from time to time, it all depends on my stress level. I have just had my second nightmare of the night. I hate them, they can kiss my ass. I have been sleeping peacefully (for once) for the last few months. Well perhaps not months, but longer than I am used to. How dare my overactive imagination take hold of me like this. Bastard! I just want to sleep, I am so exhausted. I know I am going to feel like shit in the morning, but I have to stay up to rid myself of the horror my mind has created. Nothing of any significance even happen in the dream, all I know is that it was horrible. I lucid dream to top it off. I never dream without knowing I am dreaming. It isn't that cool, not when you cannot clearly make conscious decisions. I get extremely curious when I am in "dreamland", even when I know it will end badly, I keeping walking to that door, keeping driving into the darkness, just to see what the fuck is up. It is always horrific, and I always find myself there, and I wake up scared, pissed, upset everything. Now I am hungry from wasting all my energy exploring the desolate hills behind my house- in dreamland that is. Fuck! Perhaps it is stemming from the novel I am reading. It would happen, but I don't wish to cease reading it. It is far too good. I have had to do this before. I hate my mind sometimes. I have been this way since I was little. I don't think much of anything when it first happens, I am one to indulge in anything I get my hands on. No matter what, it usually ends up lingering in my mind, causing me no sleep or nightmares. I hate it. I just want to fall back into a sleep, but I am honestly scared to close my eyes. I don't want to be in that darkness. I only ever enter into that darkness only to walk myself into an even darker place. How can the blackness of thought get any darker? It can, it really can. Think long enough and deep enough and odd things start arising. Things you never knew could exist. They don't but they are ever so tangible in your atmospheric dream wonderland. This place has no limits, no breaking point. Only you possess that flaw. Your dreams take form and become something, something you never intended to happen. You have conceived a monster, a literal powerhouse of evil. It used to be a white rabbit, you turned that rabbit into its purest thought. The sheer beginning of a rabbit, its soul. It has a tangible soul. Yes this is happening, you see it. You watch this innocence transform into something horrific. Right there, you feel like you are awake, but you are far from it, you watch it morph. Getting gaunt, bloody and transparent. A rabbit? You think this to yourself, your mind is fully aware of what is happening, but your body- stone. You can not escape this image. Something so simple, a little white bunny, it's soul, your horror. Something so sweet turned so sour. You keep watching as the once pure creature changes, rapidly. What the fuck is going on? You stare in amazement, you are intrigued, yet you know what it to come. This thing, this bunny is changing, you know it is changing. Something so pure should never take on such a form. It is no longer a child longed pet. It is a gruesome hell bound creature and it is coming toward you. It is tangible so you fret, yet you stand there watching it come at you. It changes again, taking on what you fear most, anything no matter how irrelevant, but it is coming. You stand in the darkness of your own thought watching it come towards you. The fear never registers until it hits you. Runs through you at an alarming rate, you shudder and wake up. You try not to recall the image, or anything that just happened, but it is still there, taunting you. You think you see it- you are awake- how could this be happening? You sit awake, you breathe, you sweat. Dreams like this- so simple, so bizarre, what are the points of them. They mean so much to me, yet they mean nothing and make no sense. They send me into fits of wonder and irritant rambles. I want to find out the meanings they hold, but I know the mind is far to complex to even chip or dent the fortress that it is. It boggles me, I hate it, this is why I am up at night. It makes sense, these dreams- They might just be a way for me to test myself, for me to pick at my own mind. Regardless, they are ridiculously tangible, and I just want to reach out and do something about them, but I know I can't. I stand in my dreams and stare at my hands, knowing nothing is going to happen if I swing, or run. I can only walk towards the object that is taunting me, even though I don't want to I always do.

Goddamn dreamland and all your wacky fucking scary as shit nonsense.





I need that sleep, let me have that sleep.

Cloud cloud, Rain rain

I am up surprisingly early, feeling a strong sense of nostalgia. I know this shall pass soon, but with this rain and the darkness of my room, I can't help but to be wrapped up in it- it is making me so very very sad. I shouldn't have spent that much time with Matt. I just need his company again, but I don't know how to go about letting myself do that. I am not the person he knows anymore. At least I don't feel that way anymore. I have to lie so much, still. It tears me apart. The list rolls on and it has been this way with him forever. I guess there are somethings that he doesn't need to know. They are mine for the keeping and that is that.

Other than the feeling of nostalgia, I am somewhat at peace. This rain is lovely. I really wish my certain someone was here to snuggle with me and keep my body from aching the way it does. I hope my plans will fall through this Friday and I will be able to see Mike. It would really lighten my overall mood.


This post is weak, and I really have nothing else to enter here. Perhaps I will write later on in the day. Sleep is calling at me again, I don't think 5 hours constitutes as a good nights sleep.


Until next time.

Death

I could just die.






the end

You are the blood.

The medication seems to be settling in on my system- this is good. I should be getting tired soon, which is also good. It is very unfortunate that I got sick right when we got into the hotel. I am here for four days and I am sick, what are the odds? I really have nothing to do either, besides watch my little cousin, and entertain him. This is an easy task. I really don't have a purpose of writing, and my title is completely irrelevant. Regardless, I am still writing, which is something that I promised myself that I would do more of.



So here I am, in this lobby- alone. My mind keeps wandering off as I look at all the other people here around me. Everyone has a Ph.D or some sort of degree, and can afford this place. I am sitting here in my dingy clothes hogging the free WiFi. Heartless bastards! It is okay, I am here for a reason, so that gives my presence purpose. I am all for purpose. I am writing for the sake of writing, ugh.



I miss you, I miss you, I miss you!
I cannot listen to most of the songs I enjoy without missing you. This is out of control! I don't care though. I am head over heels, smitten, amorous, and everything in between.


I think this is all, Signing Off!

And here I sit

It is nearly twelve, and I have been up for some time now. I feel so lost. I have no one to tend to, no one to cook for, no one to work for and nothing new to learn. I feel empty with out all of this, and I know it will lead to depression if I don't get out and do something fast. Most everyone I know is either at school or work, or simply sleeping because they have no life. Regardless, I am alone today. I don't want to be alone today. I hate having this fucking complex. I hate being alone, and it eats away at me until I sleep it off. Not to mention I am completely irked at the fact that my mother wants me to go to Georgia for school in the fall and not even give Seattle a running chance. I couldn't sleep last night with this thought buzzing around my head. I just huffed at his scent and tried my best to drift into a deep sleep. I did, eventually, but it wasn't good enough for me. I am turning into a selfish wreck again. I only want to do things for myself. I want to go and move away for myself and my dreams, not for my mothers security. I know if I don't want to go to Georgia my mother will guilt me into going and I know I won't be happy, even if I am doing what I love. I don't see myself nor my bakery residing in Atlanta. I know, there is history and splendor of all sorts. I can visit, I don't know if I want to live there. Yes, it has Felicia written all over it, but Seattle might as well. I won't know for sure until I visit both. I know this visit will be coming soon. I don't want to go, I don't want to fall in love with it. I want to fall for Seattle so I can have Mike there with me. I don't think he would move so far from his home bases. I know I wouldn't. Funny as that is, I moved away from my home bases, and want to move even further away. I am backwards on that point, but oh well. It is what I want, and my heart is set on it. It is going to take a lot of convincing to get me to change my mind. If Mike said he would go with me, I would be all for it. I just know that my mother is going to appose my moving in with him no matter where we go, at all costs even. I don't think she understands, and I know she does, but let's say she won't let herself understand. I am too young, I have a bright future, blah blah blah. Ugh, today is shit, and I feel like a hot pile of today. I am bitching, I know. I should stop, but I need to let it all out.


All I want is hot cocoa and some warm company.

Not now, not tonight.

Yet again, up at an ungodly hour. I cannot seem to get back to sleep. The vicodin I was given is now wearing off. I can feel the terrible pain in my neck begin to resurface. It is hot on my skin, I can feel my muscle throbbing. These past few nights I have been sleeping with ease, and tonight- something ails me. I have so much surging through my mind at this hour, and it will not cease and let me sleep. I really don't know how to explain the emotion, but it isn't pleasant. I mean don't get me wrong I couldn't be happier having such an amazing person by my side, but in the last 24 hours, I have been afflicted with so much animosity that my mind is going crazy. Why would one person act in such a way? I was everything and then some, and I get treated so badly. This applies to more than one situation. It irks me so much sometimes, to think that people can actually live like that. To what extent does one get off being a complete and utter prick, towards everything? Wow, now that I think about that a little more, it truly does apply in both instances. I am talking about two different people, and two different scenarios, but- both are applicable. It is lovely, in a sense, how things work that way. Regardless of the douche-baggery, I am chipper at heart. I wish I was able to expel my anger, but something is telling me not to, not now.

I am promising myself this year that I am going to write- under all circumstances. I will write, no matter what. I know I need to oil up my gears and get cracking. It is something I enjoy greatly, but criticize far to much. I need to stop this, and just write. Write on every surface I have, come up with more one liners. If I can't create the painting, I will at least be its first spark. I am just so fucking inspired lately, and I can't be letting all of it go to waste. So, Felicia. no matter what! You must write. Let it all out- no matter how much you don't like it. There is bound to be one person who will enjoy your thought process. I know this to be true, and I am most certain this person is soundly asleep next to me.

This entry is long, but what to you expect from me at such an hour. I am tired, and my body aches with every stroke of the keys, but I am fueled- by what, I really don't know. The anger has slipped my mind, and is only to come back when I even mention the fact that I was angry, or upset. I am sure it will resurface, it always does- that, on the other hand is for a later date. I believe the winds are fueling my writing frenzy this morning. Everything depends on the weather for me, at least I like to think so. Then again, I am weird, and think the oddest things have significance. Fuck, perhaps they do! Anyhow, tick tock tick tock. Mind is wandering and not picking anything up to bring back to me. Where do I go? I could go way out of left field, but I think it would be too much. Not now, not tonight. Yet again, my mind rings out telling me not to so silly things. That voice- so tiny, yet so bold.




Bahhhh, shit. I think I am done. I still feel like there is something to say though.